Coping With Traumatic Events

Parent Guidelines for
Talking with Teenagers about
War and Terrorism

Before talking with teenagers about war, parents should take time to think about the issue themselves and consider what it means to their family. Each family is unique, with its own special history and past experiences of loss, trauma and war.

Let teenagers know that the decision to go to war was both difficult and very serious and that the consequences may be equally serious.

The landscape of the war in Iraq is changing daily. Thus, teenagers may want to discuss issues more than once or may have different sets of questions for you at different times. New events may need new clarification. Parents should remain flexible and open to their teens' need for answers to difficult questions.

Starting the Conversation

• By being open, available and positive, parents can create an environment that supports communication among all members of the family - even when the conversation is about war and terrorism. Finding time to have those conversations isn't hard. One way is to use family times (such as mealtimes) to talk about what is happening in the world.
  
  
• Teenagers are likely to discuss these events with their peers. In some cases, these conversations may contain inaccurate information, even distortions and misinterpretations. Parents should express an interest in what their teenager is hearing from friends, and should help to correct any misperceptions and to reduce concerns.

Tips for Parents

• Teenagers have wide access to the news, whether on television and radio, in print, or on-line. Parents should make time to watch and discuss the news with their teens. That can help clarify misunderstandings or conflicting news reports. Just as some parents can become over-exposed to media coverage of these events, so, too, can teens. For that reason, parents should monitor their teens for over-exposure or excessive fascination with media coverage.
  
  
• Teenagers are beginning to view the world in more abstract and realistic terms. They understand the concepts of unpredictability, death, and terrorism. Discussions should be honest, but answers should be consistent with their level of understanding.
  
  
• Teenagers are most likely to be concerned about the effects of war on people they know, such as teachers, family friends, coaches, older friends and siblings, and peers. Some may be thinking about what the war means for their future. Be prepared for them to express a variety of thoughts, opinions, and feelings of anger and vulnerability, fear and disregard related to the war. Whatever their reactions, remember to be respectful of their views and concerns.
  
  
• Keep routines as normal as possible for teenagers; protect study time and time for relaxation.
  
  
• Don't change family rules, such as rules about good behavior and respect.
  
  
• Be available to help teenagers make sense of what they hear about the war, whatever the source of the information.
  
  
• Teenagers may need a little extra patience and attention during these stressful times. They may need added reminders or help with chores or homework. They may appear forgetful or distracted. If so, simply repeat any requests you may have made of them; avoid losing your temper, particularly if you believe your teen is on edge about the war.
  
  
• Some teenagers may become withdrawn and irritable. Again, be patient and calm when responding to these behaviors. An extra word of support or physical affection can help at these times. Monitor behavior over time; ongoing distress may signal a problem that warrants attention.
  
  
• Many teens look to their friends in times of increased anxiety. Respect that need, but also be sure to find extra time for your teens as well.
  
  
• Be aware of what is being said during adult conversations of which your teen is not a part. Teenagers may respond to what they overhear with intense views and feelings of their own. For that reason, be sure to give teens a chance to participate in the discussion or to express their reaction later.
  
  
• Parents should act as models for their teens, showing respect for differing views and avoiding intense disagreements. Acknowledge that in a democracy, such as in the U.S., people can have strong and differing opinions about momentous events such as war.
  
  
• Caution teenagers about reckless or risk-taking behaviors that may be a response to stress and uncertainty. Remind them that the war has not changed family rules or expectations.

Keeping Teenagers and Families Strong in the Face of War

• Stay connected to your teens. Look for opportunities for meals together and other family activities. Be supportive of extracurricular interests by attending your teens' special events. A little extra support may go a long way to help teenagers feel more secure and safe. Be sure to tell teens they are loved.
  
  
• All members of the family should provide support for each other during this time.
  
  
• Parents need to share with their teens that they, too, are thinking about the war and are there to answer the tough questions or help with difficult feelings. ("Sometimes we think about the war a lot and we can talk about it together any time you want.")
  
  
• At home, calmly revisit emergency plans and preparation (similar to what you do with fire and weather plans). Talking with teens about what to do can help them feel secure that parents have all situations under control. Parents should develop back-up plans with relatives or friends to help with separation and reunification.
  
  
• Parents and teens should discuss and agree with back-up plans for relatives or friends to help if parents are not readily available (e.g., if a parent is unavailable to return home or pick up a teen from school or an activity as planned). Be sure to let the teen know when the parent will return home.
  
  
• Parents should be aware of, and discuss with their teenager, plans that the school has set in place for crisis or emergency situations.
  
  
• Help teens help take care of themselves by encouraging them to get appropriate rest, exercise, and diet. Be sure there is a balance of quiet and more physical activities. Be aware of any changes in their sleep or eating habits that might suggest they are frightened or worried.
  
  
• Parents can help teenagers take constructive steps to reach out or strengthen existing connections to their community. Many families will want to reinforce their family, community, and religious supports during this time. This can help not only the teen but also the entire family.
  
  
• Encourage teenagers to build their own futures by continuing to succeed in school and in extracurricular activities, by engaging in ongoing community activities, and by setting short-term and long-term goals.

This document was developed for the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services by the National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN) under grant number U79SM54284.

Updated 04/03