Relationship, Money Issues Face Some Returning Combatants
By Rudi Williams
American Forces Press Service
WASHINGTON, Oct. 13, 2004 -- Money, intimacy and re-establishing their
relationship as a couple and with their children are some of the challenging
issues facing families when servicemembers return after months away on the
battlefields of Iraq and Afghanistan.
A team of mental health professionals from the Uniformed Services University of
the Health Sciences' Center for the Study of Traumatic Stress has been looking
at these issues through interviews and site visits to Defense Department
communities as part of a health education campaign, "Courage to Care."
How spouses spent combat pay was raised as a major concern of returning
combatants during a telephone interview, according to Air Force Dr. (Col.)
Molly Hall of the psychiatry department at the Uniformed Services University of
the Health Sciences in Bethesda, Md. Spouses said servicemembers wanted to know
how they had spent the combat pay they earned on the battlefield, Hall noted.
Center team member Dr. Nancy Vineburgh, visited Fort Polk, La., and sat in on a
reintegration class for spouses and soldiers recently returned from Iraq. About
75 percent of the servicemember attendees brought their spouses with them. The
topic came up in an interactive exercise in which two servicemen without
spouses role-played a couple discussing an important issue.
"What have you done with my money? You spent it on the house? I wanted a car!"
said one serviceman to the other. Vineburgh, an assistant professor of
psychiatry at the university, said such an issue becomes part of a larger
picture of re-establishing a relationship of trust and mutual respect.
She said a money issue such as the wife buying new living room furniture while
the soldier may have wanted a new car could cause a lot of friction in the
relationship. One wife said she was able to save a lot of money while her
husband was fighting a war, "but some people didn't," according to Vineburgh.
She said the purpose of the reintegration class was to discuss the challenges
of getting back into the family life and reconnecting with their spouses. The
facilitators included an Army chaplain and several family advocacy
representatives, including health care providers and community services staff.
Hall noted that other big issues voiced by returning war veterans centered on
the tremendous transition from the regimented intense routine of war back into
an environment that's quiet and safe.
"It's a transition back to life in the states with the family and all the
demands that suddenly spouses and children present," Hall pointed out. "Life is
actually in some ways more ambiguous, less structured and less clear here as
opposed to life in Iraq and Afghanistan."
The colonel noted that normally, people don't immediately think about potential
problems associated with transitioning back into the family after being in
combat.
"You kind of key on, 'It's wonderful to be back together again the first day,'"
she said. "But, about a week out, all of a sudden, you might have an issue
where parents coming back encounter a family structure that's become very
self-sufficient in that member's absence.
"Maybe the discipline has changed; maybe the roles have changed," Hall
continued. "So there has to be kind of a reassembly of the unit together."
"We tend to romanticize when we're not together," Vineburgh said. "Things
suddenly seem more important or more special than they might have been."
Another problem arises when the spouse returns to the work force during the
military member's absence, which leads to more independent feelings, the
colonel said. "Whereas, before the member left, they may have been functioning
more in a traditional homemaker role," she continued. "Now that they've
branched out, that's an issue that perhaps needs to be discussed and
negotiated."
While the servicemember is off fighting a war, the parent left alone with
children might have different disciplinary styles, different bedtimes and
different ideas of what children can and can't do, Hall said.
When the combatant returns home with different ways of doing things, the child
might rebel and say, "That's not the way we used to do it," or "That's not the
way Mom did it," the colonel said.
Sleep disruption also was discussed as a problem in the reintegration class.
For example, one of the facilitators, an Army wife who had experienced
reintegration, said how difficult it was to have her husband return and take up
the whole bed tossing and turning.
Intimacy can become a big issue with just one touch, Hall noted. "This is
particularly true for combat veterans who are accustomed to being constantly on
guard, constantly vigilant and constantly looking out for harm," she said.
"When you're in that kind of state, if somebody comes up behind you and just
touches you casually, you can really have a difficult time with that. So one
issue is just getting comfortable again with physical affection, just physical
touching."
One of the most difficult issues expressed in the reintegration class was
closeness. Many servicemen who had just returned faced redeployment, and this
unknown affects couples trying to re-establish their relationship, Vineburgh
noted. "Just how close to get is an issue when you know you might be soon
separated," poignant remarks that epitomize the emotional challenges of
servicemen and spouses, she continued.
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