American Bar Association
Commission on Domestic Violence
Multidisciplinary Responses to Domestic Violence
Identifying Domestic Violence
What is Domestic Violence?
When spouses, intimate partners, or dates use physical violence, threats, emotional
abuse, harassment, or stalking to control the behavior of their partners, they are committing
domestic violence. Physical violence includes putting your hands on a person against their will.
It also includes shoving, pushing, grabbing, pulling, or forcing some one to stay somewhere.
Regardless of the relationship between two people, using physical violence against someone is a
crime.
Very few people identify themselves as abusers or victims. They may remain silent about
the issue because of the havoc that domestic violence has created in their workplace and family
lives. Victims may be silent about the abuse because of embarrassment or shame, or for fear
that their batterers will hurt them if they tell other people about the violence. Abusers may
minimize their actions or blame the victims for provoking the violence. Both victims and abusers
may characterize their experiences as family quarrels that "got out of control."
Think about the following questions to identify whether you or someone you know is a
victim of domestic violence. Whether you are a professional or a friend, asking these questions
(in private) about domestic violence can let victims or abusers know that the door is open for
further discussion and help. If you or someone you know is being abused, develop a safety plan
right away even if you do not intend to separate at this time.
Screening Questions
- Domestic violence is not confined to "certain groups." Do not try to predict who is a
batterer and who is a victim of domestic violence. Ask the following questions to
determine whether domestic violence is occurring.
- Everyone argues or fights with their partner or spouse now and then. When you argue or
fight at home, what happens? Do you ever change your behavior because you are afraid
of the consequences of a fight?
- Do you feel that your partner or spouse treats you well? Is there anything that goes on at
home that makes you feel afraid?
- Has your partner or spouse ever hurt or threatened you or your children? Has your
partner or spouse ever put their hands on you against your will? Has your partner or
spouse ever forced you to do something you did not want to do? Does your partner or
spouse criticize you or your children a lot?
- Has your partner or spouse ever tried to keep you from taking medication you needed or
from seeking medical help? Does your partner refuse to let you sleep at night?
- Has your partner or spouse ever hurt your pets or destroyed your clothing, objects in your
home, or something which you especially cared about? Does your partner or spouse
throw or break objects in the home during arguments?
- Does your partner or spouse act jealously, for example, always calling you at work or
home to check up on you? Is it hard for you to maintain relationships with your friends,
relatives, neighbors, or co-workers because your partner or spouse disapproves of,
argues with, or criticizes them? Does your partner or spouse accuse you unjustly of
flirting with others or having affairs? Has your partner or spouse ever tried to keep you
from leaving the house?
- Does your spouse or partner make it hard for you to find or keep a job or to go to school?
- Every family has their own way of handling finances. Does your partner or spouse
withhold money from you when you need it? Do you know what your family's assets are?
Do you know where important documents like bank books, check books, financial
statements, birth certificates, and passports for you and members of your family are kept?
If you wanted to see or use any of them, would your partner or spouse make it difficult for
you to do so? Does your spouse or partner sometimes spend large sums of money and
refuse to tell you why or what the money was spent on?
- Has your spouse or partner ever forced you to have sex or made you do things during sex
that make you feel uncomfortable? Does your partner demand sex when you are sick,
tired, or sleeping?
- Has your spouse or partner ever used or threatened to use a weapon against you? Are
there guns in your home?
- Does your spouse or partner abuse drugs or alcohol? What happens?
Avoid Harmful Assumptions
- There are no typical characteristics or profiles of abusers or victims. Abusers may
appear very charming or may seem like explosive or angry individuals. Victims may seem
extremely frightened or passive or may be quite angry about what is happening. Rather
than determining whether someone fits a "type," determine whether the warning signs of
abuse exist.
- If some one declines to discuss domestic violence issues, consider whether the silence
may be due to a fear of the batterer, or to cultural, race or gender issues which make it
difficult to talk about such personal experiences. If you suspect that some one is a victim
of domestic violence, say the following:
- I am concerned about your safety.
- You can talk to me about what is happening at home.
- Domestic violence can harm your children.
- Domestic violence is a crime.
- I will help you find the legal and non-legal service referrals you need.
Basic Warning Signs
- Batterers use dominating, intimidating, terrifying, rule-making, stalking, harassing and
injurious behaviors to control and manipulate the actions of their partners and sometimes
their children.
- The most obvious signs of domestic violence will be evidence of severe, recurring, or life-threatening abuse, for example, repeated bruises, broken bones, physical attacks, or
threats with weapons.
- Domestic violence is not just severe physical violence. It includes slaps, pushes, shoves,
threats, emotional and financial abuse, false imprisonment, and any other behavior that
batterers use to control and coerce victims. If one partner or spouse frequently makes
the other ask permission to do things, domestic violence may be occurring.
- Emotional abuse, where one partner continuously degrades or belittles the other, or
accuses the other of being stupid, unattractive, a bad parent, unfaithful, or any other
similar fault, can indicate domestic violence.
- Many batterers use the legal system to punish their partners for taking steps to free
themselves from domestic violence. Extremely litigious behavior following a separation
may be a sign of domestic violence.
- Batterers use issues arising in custody and visitation cases to try to re-establish control
over their victims. For example, a batterer may fail to show up for scheduled visitation on
time in order to harass the victim or create a reason for further contact.
- Batterers frequently display extreme jealousy. The following controlling actions may
signal that domestic violence is occurring:
- Batterers often discourage their victims from seeking help. People who have
difficulty making or keeping appointments may be trying to avoid letting their
abusers know that they are seeking help.
- Batterers frequently insist on accompanying victims to appointments, even if they
have no involvement in the case. During office visits or phone calls, a batterer
may try to speak for the victim, in order to control the information the victim shares
with you.
- Batterers harass, stalk, and keep tabs on their victims. If someone reports
constant phone calls at work or home to keep track of their whereabouts, consider
whether other warning signs of domestic violence are present.
- Batterers try to isolate their victims from emotional support systems or sources of
help. Be sensitive to persons who report that their partners do not allow them to
see relatives, friends, or neighbors. Also, be alert for persons who tell you that
their partners are excessively jealous of persons they see outside of the home
and make statements such as "if I can't have you, nobody can."
- Batterers also isolate their victims by sabotaging their ability to get and keep jobs.
Clients who keep changing or losing jobs or "cannot" work because of their
partners' disapproval or actions may be suffering from domestic violence.
For help call the National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-SAFE 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
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