Overview
Adults have different opinions about including
children
Young people have a right to be included in decisions
that affect them
Situations indicating that professional help is
needed
Invite young people to visit the person with advanced
cancer
Answer concerns about dying and death
Share decisions about who goes to funerals or memorial
services
Deal with the possible disapproval of other
adults
Help young people at the funeral or memorial
service
Expect struggles with grief both now and in the
future
"Aunt Mary may never speak to us again, that's how
strongly she feels about the children coming to the
funeral."
"Children are too young to know what's going
on."
Watch for early signs of emotional
problems
Seek professional help if problems persist
Topics with an arrow () in front of them are actions you can take
or symptoms you can look for.
The information in this home care plan fits most
situations, but yours may be different.
If the doctor or nurse tells you to do something other
than what is recommended here, follow what they say. If you think
there may be an emergency, see When To Get
Professional Help.
Top
People have different ideas about whether to include children -
no matter what their age - at the bedside during someone's final
days of life, at the time of death itself, and at the funeral.
Opinions about this differ depending on the family's manner of
handling such matters and also on the type of death involved. For
example, was the death sudden, or did the illness last a long time?
Some adults do not want children seeing someone they know growing
weaker or hooked to tubing. Opinions also depend on what the
child's relationship is with the person who has cancer. Is it a
parent? A brother? A sister? A close relative or friend? If it is
someone the child does not know very well, maybe it is less
important for the young person to visit. Also, consider whether
other helpful adults or older children can pay attention to the
child and help with any questions and feelings.
Along with these practical questions, people's ideas about
whether children should be involved also are shaped by what they
were told when they were little and someone died. Our opinions are
shaped by what we learn from our own families about what is
"right."
Finally, your opinions about including children are shaped by
how you cope with sadness and death yourself. Everyone copes
differently.
Your goals
Know when to get professional help.
Plan ahead for any visits by children.
Answer concerns about dying and death.
Share decisions about who goes to funerals or memorial
services.
Deal with the possible disapproval of other adults.
Help young people at the funeral or memorial service.
Expect struggles with grief both now and in the future.
Top
Normally, professional help is not needed to make decisions
about including children in events. Most questions and concerns can
be worked out by family members or friends. A few clues might tell
you that children or teenagers are having unusual problems,
however, whether it is dealing with watching the person who has
cancer grow more ill, with the idea of the funeral, or even with
death itself. This is when professional help can make a
difference.
Call on professionals such as teachers, school psychologists,
ministers, youth group leaders, social workers, or hospice staff
who have helped you if young people are doing any of the
following:
Having trouble sleeping.
Showing disruptive behavior at school.
Doing poorly in school, if this is a change.
Acting differently, such as being quiet and sad when
before they were happy and talkative.
If you do not know how to handle certain situations and
want to talk them over with someone other than family
members.
Top
Usually, caregivers are busy making decisions near the time of
death and before any funeral or memorial service. While you may
want to pay more attention to how children or teenagers are feeling
and their questions, you may not have time. You also may not have
the energy. Do not attempt to take care of everyone else's needs at
this point. Instead, think about asking someone special in your
circle of family or friends to help with this.
Many questions may come up about involving younger
children and teenagers in the final weeks or days of life.
This section will help you to:
Invite young people to visit the person with advanced
cancer.
Answer concerns about dying and death.
Share decisions about who should go to funerals or memorial
services.
Deal with the possible disapproval of other adults.
Help young people at the funeral or memorial service.
Expect struggles with grief both now and in the future.
Plan ahead for any visits by children
Usually, fewer and fewer people visit during the final days of
life, regardless of whether the sick person is at home, in a
nursing home, or in a hospital. If visitors or family have
children, a common question that arises is whether to bring them.
Here are several ways to handle this question:
Learn what the child knows about what is happening.
If the child knows "Grandma is very sick," ask the parent or
guardian to paint a more complete picture so that the child is
prepared. For example, grandchildren may not have seen Grandma
recently, but they know what a person looks like in bed. If Grandma
has lost weight, say that she shrank a little but is all there, the
same height but just smaller. Also, prepare the child by mentioning
any other visible differences, such as hair or skin changes. Use
simple words. Most important, reassure the child that Grandma knows
the child is there even if she is sleeping. If she is awake but not
talking, tell the child that Grandma will look but not talk because
she is resting.
Ask the child what he or she thinks is happening, and
invite questions.
Children have their own ideas and questions about what is
happening, and they can be very open about what concerns them. For
example, their understanding of dying and death is not the same as
ours. It is not formed until 8 or 9 years of age, and even then,
children do not fully understand the permanence or finality of
death. Teenagers have a much fuller understanding, but their
questions may be harder to answer. ("Why is life unfair to good
people?") Different ages have different types of questions. Answer
them simply, and if you do not have the answers, be honest and say
so.
Suggest that two people come with young children to
visit.
If young children want to visit with the dying person, remember
that their attention span for the visit may be short. After they
greet and see the person, they may quickly lose interest in the
visit. Other parts of the home or the hospital may become more
interesting. Another adult or teenager can take them out and
entertain them so that the child is not fidgeting or feeling forced
to stay in one place.
Be prepared for different expressions of feelings from
children and from teenagers.
Even if you think young people are "handling this well," they
may have many new and unspoken feelings. Teenagers need time to
think about these. If they are close to the person who is dying,
they may feel angry, sad, confused, disappointed, or abandoned.
Some teens will talk about this; many will not. Young children can
feel the same way, but they are unable to talk about it.
Therefore, these feelings sometimes come out through sudden changes
in behavior, such as acting like a younger child, toddler, or baby.
In many cases, this is a safe way for them to let out their
feelings.
Ask adults you trust to pay attention to young people who
visit and listen to their feelings and questions.
As a caregiver, you have a lot going on, and taking care of
children or teenagers can seem overwhelming. This is a task you can
share with adults you trust. When you think things are not quite
right with younger relatives or children, ask others to check in
with them. Friends of the family are good to ask; they can help by
paying attention to young children and listening to teenagers.
Answer concerns about dying and death
Children have different questions about death at different ages.
They are able to understand death better as they grow older and
gain more experience. For example, they may have seen a pet die, or
a friend may have lost a parent. They may have read books or
watched television and come to know that death is forever.
Young people's questions about death can be surprising, and they
may challenge you at a time when you are tired and trying to make
many decisions. The following suggestions may help you to handle
questions during the days immediately surrounding the death:
Find someone who will listen to the children's concerns
about dying and what happens after death.
You probably know who your children trust, and if you do not,
ask them. Children are honest. For example, if you are a mother
with a young child, you might ask, "If you hurt your finger and
couldn't find me, who would you want to help you?" Teenagers might
want to know why you want them to find someone to talk with. In
this case, say that you have found it helps to talk and sort things
out aloud. (Of course, they may or may not take your advice.)
Use pictures, dolls, or books with young children.
Young children may want to draw pictures illustrating how they
feel or what they know. This way, questions can come up as you ask
them what is in their pictures or why they used certain colors.
Another way is for them to play with dolls. Ask them to play, and
tell them that today, one doll is Grandma. Watch what they do. This
also is a good way to get children ready to see Grandma if she
looks different from the way that she looked the last time they saw
her. Tell the child that Grandma sleeps a lot now and is in bed all
the time. Ask the child to put "Grandma" in bed. Some children may
take care of the doll in bed; others may get mad and throw the doll
across the room. Young children experience many feelings when there
is a sickness in the family. This is normal, however, and you can
help them by accepting how they feel.
The hospice may have books to help you reach young children and
their feelings. They also may have a list of books available at
your local library. Storybooks can help young children to recognize
their feelings even when they cannot express them. There are many
good ones: picture books for very young children, and books for
older children that deal with the serious illness and death of a
loved one.
Suggest that an older child talk with someone outside the
family.
Older children or teenagers might confide in a school counselor,
teacher, school nurse, minister, church leader, Sunday school
teacher, youth leader, or neighbor. They may be open with friends
about their worries through books or art or music. Then again, they
may say nothing at all. Tell them you want to know how they are
doing, but add that you know it sometimes helps to talk with
someone who is not related or close to the family. Then drop it. Do
not push.
Be prepared for tough questions about life after death.
Answers about where people go after death or why people suffer
and die vary from family to family, from one religion to the next,
and even from one society to another. A Spanish family might
believe things about heaven that differ greatly from the beliefs of
a Chinese family. Some adults have very set ideas that life after
death exists. They can describe heaven very clearly, and they know
the way to get there. Believing in life after death - no matter
what the religious viewpoint, faith, or path to get there - brings
comfort and hope to many people. Other adults may say that the
answers to these questions are a mystery. The best answer to say is
what you honestly think in simple, short explanations.
It is important that young people be able to talk with someone
who will listen to their concerns. During their lives, they will
hear different answers to these types of tough questions: What
happens after death? Why do good people suffer? The important thing
is that the young person is thinking about these issues, which is a
vital part of growing up.
Be prepared for tough questions about what happens to the
body.
Teenagers can understand the difference between being buried and
being cremated, and children of all ages may be curious about what
happens to the body after death. If you or others are uncomfortable
talking about this, refer them to people you know and trust. These
could be members of the clergy, relatives, or friends. Hospice
staff can speak with them as well. Young people should talk about
their concerns with someone who will listen. These questions often
lead to matters of a more spiritual or religious nature, such as
where does the "spirit" go?
Answer all questions.
Answering questions is important, because what children might
imagine can be far worse than what actually happens. Young children
have simple questions that deserve simple answers. For example,
"When they put that tube in Daddy? Is that what killed him?"
Without the opportunity to talk about this, a child can grow up
being afraid of needles or tubes. Others might say, "I heard Aunt
Mary say that Grandma starved to death. Did she?" If children hear
this - and with cancer, they often do - and believe it, they can
feel guilty that they did not feed Grandma. They also can become
angry that others did not feed her.
Young children may ask the same questions many times. This is
perfectly normal, however.
Remind children that it is no one's fault when someone
dies.
Children usually will not ask directly if it is their fault that
a close relative has died. Guilt is a very common reaction,
however, even though it is not reasonable. With young children, say
something like, "Just because you got angry at Mommy sometimes,
that doesn't mean it's your fault that she got sick and died." It
also is helpful to give children permission to be angry, because
anger is a normal part of losing someone you love. You can say
something like, "Sometimes I get so mad that Daddy isn't here
anymore." Children need to know that these feelings are normal and
acceptable.
Share decisions about who should go to funerals or memorial
services
Ask for help making decisions about children attending services
or for help looking after them, either at services, at home, or at
someone else's house.
Ask young people if they want to go to the service.
Asking young people this question depends, of course, on their
age. Very young children cannot help you to make a decision, but
older ones can. Making decisions for these children leaves them
out. Young children and teenagers should not be protected from the
reality of death, nor should they be shut out of the meals or talks
after the funeral or memorial service and burial, if there is one.
Shutting them out makes them feel alone. It also gives them the
idea that death is so horrible that it cannot be coped with.
Funerals can help young people face their grief. Letting them
listen to the planning for the funeral and including their ideas
makes them feel that they belong to something that will live on. It
also gives them a chance to talk about what has happened. Letting
them be part of the "rituals" (the things a family normally does
when a death occurs) is an important way to learn about this part
of living.
Young children (younger than 8 or 9 years) do not understand
that death is permanent. They will ask when Mommy or Grandma is
coming back. If young children are not included in the funeral
ritual, it will be harder for them to understand what has happened.
If they have attended the funeral, however, you can say, "Remember
when we all went to see Grandma in the casket, and then we went to
the cemetery . . . ?" Without this memory, it will be harder for
you to help these children understand.
Ask young people before the service how they are feeling
about what is happening.
Even after young people know they are going to a funeral, new
feelings can surface. Relatives may be arriving. They may meet
people who are unfamiliar to them but who claim to remember when
they were little. It can be a busy and confusing time. If you are
to help them, you need to be aware of what they are feeling.
Tell children what to expect at the funeral home, what they will
see, and what will happen both before and after the service. This
helps them to prepare for this new experience.
Let them change their minds.
Young people may decide they want to attend services but then
change their minds. Let them decide. They know what they want to
do. If it is important for you to have them there, such as with
teenagers, ask them to attend for your sake.
Remind yourself as well as them that it is the memory of
the person's life, not the person's death, that is
important.
It is okay if a young person does not want to go. If a child is
very firm that he or she does not want to attend the funeral of a
close relative, however, it usually signals that the child is very
troubled or confused. Children typically are fascinated by funerals
and, most of all, want to be included as part of the family. See if
you can get the child to tell you what is worrying him or her about
the funeral. Children can have many misconceptions and fears that
should be cleared up so that they can feel okay about saying
goodbye to the person who has died. Remembering relatives or
friends when they were alive is what is important; however, funeral
services help to remind us that death really has happened. Children
of any age usually will benefit from this (just as adults do).
Include them in meals or gatherings after services.
Children want to feel that they belong, and leaving them out of
special gatherings after services sends a message that they are
unimportant. Many times, their feelings are hurt. If a child is
struggling with sadness or fear, he or she will feel that much
sadder and more abandoned.
Deal with the possible disapproval of other adults
Expect some adults to disagree with your decision to allow
children to attend a memorial or funeral service.
Some adults cannot bear to see a child suffer because they are
so upset themselves about the death. They want to protect the young
person from feeling what they are feeling. Some relatives and
friends may say it is a bad idea to let young people attend a
funeral. They will say things like, "Seeing grown-ups cry will be
too upsetting for her," or, "Children do not belong at funerals."
If you and other adults decide it is a good idea to include the
younger child, some adults may go so far as to say that this is
"cruel" or "awful." Although this is rare, should these adults see
the child cry, whether at the funeral or later, you may hear them
tell others that you should have followed their advice and hint
that you made a bad decision. This can be difficult, but the
opposite decision would have been difficult as well. This is a
situation in which someone must make a decision, and you know your
children best and will be the one dealing with their feelings later
on. The job of a parent is to help children deal with life and its
sadness. Dealing with death is just one more part of learning about
life.
Help young people at the memorial or funeral service
Assign someone to supervise young children.
Very young children probably will lose interest in the service
after a short time. Try to find an adult who can be with them and
can leave the service if they are restless.
Let the child visit the church or place where the service
will be held.
Very young children like to know that they can get basic needs
met in new places. Visit the church or place where the service will
be held ahead of time. Show them where the restroom is, where the
water fountain is, and any play areas. This helps them to feel more
secure at the service, especially if the person who died was a
parent. Remind them that they do not have to stay if they do not
want to. They can go outside with an adult and play or take a
walk.
Assign someone to supervise everyday tasks.
Young people need supervision with everyday tasks such as
bathing, dressing, eating, and sleeping. They need to keep playing
or spending time with friends if they are home. They also need
activities if they are traveling and staying somewhere else. If
you, as the caregiver, are too busy to think about these things,
ask someone who knows the child to make sure that his or her
everyday routines are followed.
Expect struggles with grief both now and in the future
Listen to what others tell children that can either help or
confuse them.
Other adults, and even relatives, may tell young people how to
feel, such as "Be brave and strong." They also will have ideas
about how they should behave, such as "Don't cry," or, "Be extra
nice to your mother this week - she just lost her father." They
also might have ideas about what the person who died might want to
see the young person doing, such as "Your father wouldn't want you
to cry for him." Adults who say these things mean well; however,
their advice comes from the messages they received from their own
parents or relatives when they were young.
Young people and teenagers may be confused when one piece of
advice differs greatly from another. One adult may say, "Be strong
and don't cry," while another may say, "It's okay to cry," or,
"Crying means we loved your father and will miss him very much."
You should be aware of these conflicting messages so that you can
help the child to understand why people feel differently and to be
comfortable with how he or she acted.
Tell them it is okay if they do not know how they feel.
Not everyone knows how he or she feels. If children or teenagers
do not know, tell them it is okay. They should not feel guilty
about feeling nothing while everyone around them is sad or upset.
Their feelings may come months later, so it is important to
continue to ask them how they are feeling after the funeral and
burial.
Normal grief reactions.
Many changes follow the death of a close family member or
friend. It can help to make a list of everything that went away or
changed to understand what the child is experiencing. If young
people were close to the person who died, they will feel grief
(just as adults do). Tears often come and go in the first weeks
after a death. Young people might even feel relieved that the
waiting is over and that the death has finally occurred. Children
grieve differently than adults - they usually do not cry for long
periods of time but are sad briefly and then carry on with their
normal activities. This does not mean that they fail to
understand what has happened. It means that they are not capable of
the same prolonged, intense reactions that adults are.
Normal grief reactions include:
Shock and disbelief-At the beginning of grief, death is
hard to accept, even if the person had been sick for a long time.
This disbelief can give some protection against intense
feelings.
Memory-Gradually, memories and pictures of the person
become less clear in the mind. Some people may worry this means the
person was not that special to them, and they may feel guilty that
they cannot always remember what the person looked like.
Dreams-People may have dreams about the person who has
died. Some find these dreams very comforting, but others are upset
by them and wake up feeling very sad.
Tears-Months later, tears may unexpectedly flow, and this
can surprise young people who thought they were "getting over it."
This may be because the child is accepting the heavy feelings that
come with realizing that the person has died and will never
return.
Fears after a parent dies-Children can be fearful after
the death of a parent, and they may wonder what will happen to
themselves now. If one parent has died, they may fear losing the
other. Familiar household routines can change. The remaining parent
might be depressed and grieving, and he or she might have to go to
work and leave the younger person with more time alone than before.
For whatever reason, young people can feel worried about themselves
and what will happen in the future, and it is important to reassure
them that you have thought about these things as well. You might
say, "It would be very unusual for me to get sick, too. And there
will always be other people to take care of you if something should
happen to me. That isn't something you need to worry about."
Anger and withdrawal-Teenagers may become especially
angry after the death of someone close to them. They may feel that
the world is unfair, and they may lash out at others or withdraw.
Some feel panic about the future and are scared of getting close to
others. They may wonder if they are going crazy. They can feel
guilty about what they did or said to the person who is gone and be
unable to forgive themselves. And just like adults, they also may
regret what they did not do.
Sadness-Feelings of sadness may come and go over a long
period of time. If young people are allowed to talk with others who
are understanding, healing is more likely. How well they knew the
person who died and how much they depended on him or her will
affect how long these feelings continue.
Expect special days to be emotional.
Adults and children often feel grief most strongly when holidays
are approaching, around the date of the death itself, and during
other special times, such as anniversaries or birthdays. This can
happen even when they are not looking at calendars or paying
attention to the dates. Children may be upset at these times
because they remember the person who died or they are responding to
your feelings. Support groups for adults and children can help at
these times. Group members can agree it is a harder time than
usual, and they can tell similar stories about their reactions to
special days that reassure the grieving person.
Consider a group for grieving children if you think the child
could use support from other young friends or teenagers. The blue
pages in many telephone books list "Support Groups." You also can
check with cancer centers in your area or the American Cancer
Society to find them, and they often can recommend reading
materials to help you understand how to help children deal with
death.
Top
Here are some common problems that adults run into when
including young people during the last weeks of life and at
funerals or memorial services:
1. "Aunt Mary may never speak to us again, that's how strongly
she feels about the children coming to the funeral."
Response: Forget Aunt Mary for now. You cannot please
everyone, least of all at an emotional, chaotic time like this.
Talk the decision over with the children and a trusted friend or
other adult, and make the decision that you feel is best. Read this
plan for ideas about how to make the event easier for children and
other adults.
2. "Children are too young to know what's going."
Response: Children know when something is wrong or
different. Even young babies might be more demanding because their
schedules have changed or they are getting less attention. If you
do not deal with their feelings now, you will have to later - and
it will be harder then.
Think of other obstacles that could interfere with carrying out
your plan
What additional roadblocks could get in the way of the
recommendations in this plan? For example, will the person with
advanced cancer cooperate? How will you explain what is needed to
other people? Do you have the time and energy to carry out the
plan?
You need to develop plans for getting around these roadblocks.
Use the COPE ideas (creativity,
optimism, planning, and expert information), and see Solving Problems Using This Guide for a
discussion of how to use these ideas in overcoming your
obstacles.
Top
First, get accurate information about how the child is feeling
and reacting to the illness or death. Talk with him or her about
what has happened and how he or she feels. Show understanding for
what the child is experiencing, and explain how you feel.
Talk with other adults who will be present about the child's
feelings, and ask for their help. You probably will have many other
problems to deal with during this period, so ask other adults to
take over some of your responsibilities with the child.
Checking on results
Be alert for problems the child may have in dealing with the
situation, the loss, and the changes in his or her life. Encourage
the child to tell you how he or she is feeling by showing that you
want to understand. Try to notice problems early, before they
become severe. Check with school personnel such as teachers and the
school nurse to gauge how the child is doing.
If your plan does not work
Be understanding. This may be a difficult period for the child,
especially if he or she must deal with many life changes. Problems
usually will decrease over time.
If the child remains very upset for many months or his or her
behavior is destructive or very upsetting to others, get
professional help. Some clergy are experienced and skilled in
dealing with emotional problems related to death. Mental health
professionals - especially those experienced with the child's age
group - often can help by talking to you and the child about your
problems.
You can
download this chapter or the entire Home Care Guide to
Advanced Cancer.
Copyright © 1997 by the American College of Physicians. The
American College of Physicians gives permission to reproduce and
distribute copies of this plan provided it is not altered and its
use is not for profit. Users can remove the left column (containing
the book contents and the word "Top") when making copies for
distribution. For information on translation, subsidiary, and
for-profit use, contact David Myers. Phone: 215-351-2642; fax:
215-351-2644; e-mail:
dmyers@mail.acponline.org.
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