Trauma and Relationships
After experiencing traumatic situations, many people find
their relationships with others are affected. It is common
for the overwhelming circumstances of traumatic events to
influence one's interactions with friends, family, coworkers,
and others. While these reactions are unique to each person
and are related to their particular experience of trauma,
most people share some typical responses to what has happened
to them. Traumatic events deeply challenge people's sense
of safety and security in the world. Their confidence in the
future may be shaken, the way they understand the meaning
of life may be changed, and the way they think and feel about
themselves may be different. Relationships can reflect these
feelings in a variety of ways.
The range of traumatic experiences affecting
relationships
No matter what traumatic event or circumstance a person endures,
whether it is the sudden death of a loved one, an aviation
disaster, a hate crime, community violence, childhood abuse,
sexual assault, war, or refugee circumstances, it is natural
for the experience to affect relationships with others. This
includes events that occur once or continue over time, those
that are caused naturally or intentionally, and those that
affect a person together with others in their community or
individually. Regardless of the distinct nature of each of
these experiences, the disruption to people's lives from traumatic
events may also cause disruptions in their feelings for and
connections to others.
How trauma affects relationships
Living through traumatic events may result in expectations
of danger, betrayal, or potential harm within new or old relationships.
Survivors may feel vulnerable and confused about what is safe,
and therefore it may be difficult to trust others, even those
whom they trusted in the past. It may feel frightening to
get close to people for fear of being hurt in an unsafe world.
Or people may feel angry at their helplessness and the loss
of control in their lives, and become aggressive or try to
control others. Anger and aggression may also arise because,
after traumatic experiences, a person may feel threatened
very easily. This defensive aggression is a natural reaction
for a person who feels threatened.
An individual's sense of who he or she is may also be affected.
Trauma survivors may feel intense shame, unlovable or bad
in some way, or guilty about what happened to them or about
something that they did or feel that they should have done
in the traumatic situation. A person may feel that no one
can truly understand what has occurred, or may worry that
it is a burden to discuss these experiences within a close
relationship. For some it becomes natural to isolate from
others, withdrawing from friends, family, coworkers, and life,
feeling distant, disconnected, or detached. Others may become
anxious or frightened in relation to others, experience them
as having power or control, or easily feel abandoned or rejected.
Still others may become overprotective or dependent. Many
trauma survivors feel emotionally numb and have trouble feeling
or expressing positive emotions in a relationship. Also, physical
intimacy may be more difficult and some survivors of traumatic
experiences may find it difficult or impossible to have a
fulfilling sexual relationship. Some people experience many
of these feelings, which can be confusing or frightening.
When trauma occurs within relationships
If trauma has occurred within a relationship, for instance
if an intimate partner abuses an adult, it can be particularly
difficult to relate comfortably in close relationships. In
these circumstances, trust has been betrayed, an intimate
connection has been lost, and an expected support system is
instead dangerous. A fear that others are not trustworthy
and an inability to find safety may result. Developing closeness
may be confusing, frightening, tentative, or avoided entirely.
Tenderness, sexuality, and physical closeness may be affected.
When traumatic experiences occur early in childhood, for
instance when a child is sexually abused by a trusted family
member, the most basic aspects of trust and safety within
a primary relationship are undermined. The disrupted earliest
attachments affect that person's ability to feel calm and
to expect caring, responsive, comforting connections in adult
life. Memories and feelings of betrayal, loss, shame, secrecy,
violation, and threats to bodily integrity may surface or
become part of later relationships. For some people, after
childhood abuse or neglect, their relationships may express
the struggle to develop basic trust and create safe attachments.
How long are relationships affected
after traumatic experiences?
The range of reactions affecting relationships after traumatic
experiences varies over time. The impact may last several
weeks or months for some people, as they gradually return
to earlier ways of relating, and find their relationships
can be supportive and safe. For others, it may take a longer
time before they become more comfortable approaching and sustaining
their relationships safely. And some people may find their
relationships are deeply affected; they may be unable to relate
comfortably with others or to establish or reestablish connections
with them. Many reasons exist for this, including the experience
of traumatic events, the existence of previous trauma, current
life circumstances, and coping styles of dealing with significant
stress and loss.
Treatment can help
Treatment is available to respond to these difficult experiences,
minimize isolation, and restore a sense of hope. It can be
helpful to discuss traumatic experiences, feelings of grief,
and relationship difficulties with a professional who is familiar
with the complex effects of trauma. A therapist can offer
a safe relationship for building trust and a sense of security.
The opportunity within that relationship to establish meaning,
purpose, and hope can be a first step in developing or reestablishing
relationships with others and with oneself, building a social
network of support, and engaging more fully with life.
How to find help
A family doctor, clergy person, health clinic, local mental
health association, state psychiatric, psychological, or social
work association, or health insurer may be helpful in providing
a referral to a counselor or therapist with experience treating
people affected by trauma. For more information about trauma
or the International Society of Traumatic Stress Studies,
call 1-877-469-PTSD (7873).
© 2003 International Society For Traumatic Stress Studies.
All rights reserved.
Back
to Public Education Pamplets
|