Divorce is stressful for parents and children alike. Although children's emotional reactions usually depend on their age at the time of the divorce, many children experience feelings of sadness, anger, and anxiety - and it's not uncommon for these feelings to be expressed in their behavior.

Fortunately, there are things you can do to help your child during a divorce. By minimizing the stress the situation creates and responding openly and honestly to your child's concerns, you can help your child through this often difficult time.

Telling Your Child
As soon as you are certain of your plans, talk to your child about your decision to divorce. Although there's no easy way to break the news, both parents should be present when a child is told, and feelings of anger, guilt, or blame should be left out of the conversation. At best, this is a difficult message to communicate, but if you handle it sensitively, you can help make it less painful for your child.

Although the discussion about divorce should be tailored to your child's age and development, all children should receive the same basic message: "Mommy and Daddy used to love each other and were happy, but now we're not happy and have decided we'd be happier apart. What happened occurred between us, but we will always be your parents and we will always be there to love and take care of you."

It's important to emphasize that your child is in no way to blame for the breakup and that the unhappiness is not related to her. Children tend to blame themselves for the failure of their parents' marriages, and they need to be reminded frequently that this is not the case. Finally, your child may question whether your love for her is temporary; reassure your child that even though you are getting a divorce, you love her permanently and unconditionally.

When it comes to answering questions about your divorce, give your child enough information so that she's prepared for changes in her life but not so much that it frightens her. Try to keep your feelings neutral and answer your child's questions in an age-appropriate way and as truthfully as possible. Remember that your child doesn't need to know all the details; she just needs to know enough to understand clearly that although you may be separating from your spouse, you aren't divorcing her.

Not all children react the same way when told their parents are divorcing. Some ask questions, some cry, and some have no initial response at all. If your child seems upset when you break the news, let her know that you recognize and care about her feelings, and reassure her that it's OK to cry. For example, you might say, "I know this is upsetting for you, and I can understand why," or "We both love you and are so sorry that our problems are causing you to feel this way." If your child doesn't have an emotional reaction right away, let her know there will be other times to talk.

Most children are concerned with how the divorce will affect them: Who will I live with? Will I move? Where will Mommy live or where will Daddy live? Will I go to a new school? Can I still go to soccer camp this summer? Be honest when addressing your child's concerns, and remind her that the family will get through this, even though it may take some time.