Answering kids' questions about sex is one of the responsibilities many
parents dread most. Otherwise confident parents often feel tongue-tied and
awkward when it comes to sex. But the subject shouldn't be avoided. By
answering children's questions as they arise, parents can help foster
healthy feelings about sex.
When do children start becoming curious about
sex? Children are human beings and therefore sexual beings.
It's hard for parents to acknowledge this, just as it's hard for children
to think of their parents as sexually active. But even infants have
curiosity about their own bodies, which is healthy and normal.
What sort of "sexual" behavior do young children
exhibit? Toddlers will often touch themselves when they are
naked, such as in the bathtub or while being diapered. At this stage of
development, they have no modesty. Their parent's reaction will tell them
whether their actions are acceptable. Toddlers should not be scolded
or made to feel ashamed of being interested in their bodies. It is natural
for children to be interested in their own bodies. Some parents may choose
to casually ignore self-touching. Others may want to acknowledge that,
while they know it feels good, it is a private matter. Parents can make it
clear that they expect the child to keep that activity private.
Parents should only be concerned about masturbation if the child seems
preoccupied with it to the exclusion of other activities. Victims of sexual abuse sometimes become preoccupied with
self-stimulation.
Is it OK to use nicknames for private parts? By the
time a child is 3 years of age, parents may choose to use the correct
anatomical words. They may sound clinical, but there is no reason why the
proper label should not be used when the child is capable of saying it.
These words - penis, vagina, etc. - should be stated matter-of-factly,
with no implied silliness. That way, the child learns to use them in a
direct manner, without embarrassment.
In fact, this is what most parents do. A Gallup Poll showed that
67% of parents use actual names to refer to male and female body
parts.
What do you tell a very young child who asks where babies come
from? Depending on the child's age, you can say that the baby
grows from an egg in the mommy's womb, pointing to your stomach, and comes
out of a special place, called the vagina. There is no need to explain the
act of lovemaking because very young children will not understand the
concept.
However, you can say that when a man and a woman love each other, they
like to be close to one another. Tell them that the man's sperm joins the
woman's egg and then the baby begins to grow. Most children under the age
of 6 will accept this answer. Age-appropriate books on the subject
are also helpful. Answer your child's question in a straightforward
manner, and you will probably find that she is satisfied with a
little information at a time.
What should you do if you catch your child playing "doctor,"
i.e., showing private parts to another child? Children 3
to 6 years of age are most likely to play "doctor." Many parents
overreact when they witness or hear of such behavior. Heavy-handed
scolding is NOT the way to deal with the situation. Nor should parents
feel this is promiscuous behavior or will lead to promiscuity. Often, the
presence of a parent is enough to interrupt the play.
You may wish to direct your child's attention to another activity
without making a lot of fuss. Later, sit down with your child for a talk.
Explain that although you understand her interest in her friend's
body, she is getting to be a big girl and people are generally expected to
keep their bodies covered in public. This way you have set limits without
having made the child feel guilty.
This is also an appropriate age to begin to talk about good and bad
touch. Tell your child that her body is her own and that she has the right
to privacy. No one should touch her if she doesn't like it or want it.
Tell her that if anyone ever touches her in a way that feels strange or
bad, she should tell that person to stop it and then tell you about it.
Explain that you want to know about anything that makes her feel bad or
uncomfortable.
When should parents sit children down for that all-important
"birds and bees" discussion? Actually, never! Learning about
sex should not occur in one all-or-nothing session. It should be more of
an unfolding process, one in which the child learns, over time, what she
needs to know. Questions should be answered as they arise so that the
child's natural curiosity is satisfied as she matures.
If your child doesn't ask questions about sex, don't just ignore the
subject. At about age 5, you can begin to introduce books that approach
sexuality on a developmentally appropriate level. Parents often have
trouble finding the right words, but there are a number of excellent books
to help.
At what age should nudity in the home be
curtailed? Families set their own standards for nudity,
modesty, and privacy. Although every family's values are different,
privacy is an important concept for all children to learn. Parents should
explain limits regarding privacy the same way that other house rules are
explained - matter-of-factly - so that children don't come to associate
privacy with guilt or secrecy. Generally, children will learn from the
limits you establish for them.
To what extent can parents depend on the schools to teach sex
education? Parents should begin the sex education process long
before it begins in school. The introduction of formal sex education in
the classroom varies; many schools start it in the fifth or sixth grade.
Some of the topics addressed in a sex education class may include anatomy,
contraception, sexually transmitted diseases, and pregnancy. Parents
should be open to continuing the dialogue and answering questions at home.
Schools tend to teach mechanics and science more than values. This is an
area where parents can and should have something to teach.
At what age should girls be told about menstruation? Girls (and boys!) should have
information by about age 8, some of which may be provided in
school. Instructional books are helpful, but mothers should also
share their own personal experiences with their daughters, including when
their periods first started and what it felt like, and how, like many
things, it wasn't such a big deal after awhile.
Reviewed by: Pam
Bushnell, LCSW, and Lee Lucas, LCSW Date reviewed: May
2004 |