At what age is it appropriate to talk to my kids about sex and responsibility?

It is never too early to begin these conversations. Ideally, these conversations would start at birth and be age-appropriate and ongoing. This might mean teaching body parts to a pre-schooler or talking about privacy and boundaries with a kindergartener. If open communication is established early, a child will likely be more comfortable coming to the parent with questions and concerns as he/she matures. The fact is, children are receiving all sorts of messages about sex from the outside world, so the more information they can get from a trusted source, like their parents, the better off they will be. In general, an easy rule for knowing when to talk to kids about sex and responsibility is "the sooner the better."

What topics do I cover?

Many parents are intimidated by the thought of having to discuss the facts about puberty and reproduction. It can be overwhelming because they feel like they need to know all the answers, and many of us don't. Parents are not expected to be experts on human sexuality, but they are experts when it comes to knowing their children and how to best equip them with information and skills to keep them healthy and safe. While kids do need the facts, they also need to understand how the relationship and importance of personal values, trust, and respect when it comes to sex. And because their values come from their family's unique set of values, these are conversations that they need to have with their parents.

Do I really need to have this talk with them, can't they get all the information they need to know from school or the media?

Children are receiving a constant stream of messages from school, peers and the media. However, many of these are conflicting and/or inaccurate. Nothing they hear outside the home can replace the important discussions about values they need to explore with their parents or other trusted family members. These are essential to helping them develop healthy sexuality and experience safe and rewarding relationships.

If I talk to my kids about contraceptives, won't that encourage them to have sex?

No, in fact, some research has suggested that the opposite might be true.

I know I should talk to my kids about this topic but I am really embarrassed, what can I do to not feel this way?

Most of us did not have these discussions with our parents and so we are unsure about how to handle it. It is OK to feel embarrassed. Your child might feel embarrassed too. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging that the topics are not easy to talk about. That might help put you both at ease. A little embarrassment is far better than the potential health consequences for a child left to navigate these complicated issues on their own.

I tried to bring this up with my kids before and they were too embarrassed and blew me off. What should I do in this case?

Parents use all sorts of strategies to get their children to talk with them about these issues. Some will reward them for every discussion they have. Other parents have found it helpful to have some of these discussions while they are in the car with the child. In this situation, they can avoid direct eye contact, but still have a private, uninterrupted conversation about important health issues.

How do I explain the difference between love and sexuality?

SIECUS does a great job of defining these terms (www. siecus.org).

What if I don't know the answer to a question they may have, is it okay to say "I don't know - but I can find that out for you" or "Let's look into it together."

Absolutely.

What is a good conversation starter/ice breaker?

An easy way to start a conversation about these issues is to use an example from the media. One thing that is not in short supply is messages about sex in the media. Use a commercial, scenario in a TV show, or a story in the news. This is a relatively non-threatening way to gain insight into your child’s thoughts about a particular issue, offer your thoughts and values, and lead into a broader discussion.

Any other options for REALLY uncomfortable parents like myself?

Some parents enlist the help of other family members or trusted family friends to talk with their children about sex and relationships. There are also workshops available in many communities designed specifically to help parents talk with their children about sensitive issues.

For more about the National Education Association (NEA), visit www.nea.org