Sooner or later, many families face the prospect of moving.  Disruptive as moving is for adults, the experience can be even more traumatic for children, who are not involved in the decision-making process and may be unable (or unwilling) to understand.

Making the Decision to Move
The decision to move should not be made lightly when children are involved. You may be a risk-taker by nature, but children thrive on familiarity and routine. If you have older children who are settled and thriving in school and in their social lives, their needs should be weighed against prospective benefits.

A family that has recently been traumatized by a major life change, such as divorce or death, might want to postpone a move. "In this way," says child development expert Eleanor Weisberger, author of When Your Child Needs You, "the child doesn't lose everything - place as well as person." Unfortunately, such a major life change may affect a family's income, forcing the decision to move. Similarly, a job transfer may take the decision out of your hands. In any case, try to maintain as positive an attitude as possible for your child's sake. Children are overwhelmingly affected by parents' attitudes in times of transition; they are depending on you for reassurance that things will work out.

Talk and Listen
No matter what the circumstances, the most important preparation for a move is simple: talk about it, early and often. Give your child as much information as possible before the move, as far in advance as possible; more lead time means more time for the child to get used to the idea. Answer questions completely and truthfully, and be receptive to his reactions - positive and negative. Even if the move means a clear improvement in the family's living situation and you represent it in the best possible light ("You'll have your own room now" or "We'll have a nice big yard"), the perceived advantages may not outweigh your child's fear of change, especially at first. For an older child, it may be helpful to share your own fears, or talk to him about scary experiences you faced at his age. And don't ignore the child who seems unconcerned - he may be masking his fear for your benefit.

For example, Alison and her husband Eric moved from the Philadelphia area, where their two children had lived since birth, to New York City. Because they are habitually open with their children, they discussed it with them from the very beginning, when it was still just a possibility. "We had a lot of chances to talk about what it would be like, and I think that worked to our advantage," says Alison. "Colette (age 6) was very resistant; Adrian (age 5) didn't seem to have as much of an opinion. We did a lot of reassuring about coming back and maintaining contact with friends, without denying that it would be hard. It's about mourning a loss; when you leave your first home base, you have to mourn. And our kids did, particularly Colette."

Involving children in planning and decision-making, to an age-appropriate extent, can help them feel the move is something they are participating in, rather than something that is being thrust upon them. Alison and Eric included their children in the search process. "We took them along when we looked at places to live, and at schools. By the time we knew what we were doing, they had come to terms with it."

If you are moving across town rather than across the country, take your children to visit your new home (or see it being built) and explore the new neighborhood. If distance prevents such visits, provide as much information as you can about the new home, city, and state (or country). Learn about where your child's favorite activities can be found in the new location. If you have relatives or friends in the new location, perhaps you can enlist someone to videotape the new home and the child's new school. A realtor may even be willing to do this.

Before the move, be prepared for signs of stress from children of any age. Preschoolers may regress to thumbsucking, "baby talk," or other behavior they had left behind. School-age children may intensify natural traits: a shy child may become more shy, an aggressive child more aggressive.

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