Marriage Preparation
Should We Marry or Not?
The Beatles
sang, “All you need is love.” Your friends might tell you, “Good
communication is all you really need.” Your parents advise you, “The
key is to marry someone with the same values.” Everyone has advice these
days for people considering marriage, whether it's a first marriage or
remarriage. The problem is, none of this advice is totally correct, nor is
it totally incorrect.
So, what
premarital factors best predict the future success of your marriage? What
kinds of couples should not get
married? How do you know you are ready to marry? If you are in a serious
relationship, should you pursue marriage, break up, or just keep things
the same?
Predicting a Satisfying
Marriage
Social
scientists and clinicians have found two dozen or so specific factors that
predict future marital satisfaction. These factors can be viewed as
forming a triangle—a model known as the marriage triangle. The three
major factors in the triangle are:
1.
Individual traits
These include an individual’s personality traits and emotional health,
as well as values, attitudes, and beliefs. Examples of such traits are:
flexibility and self-esteem (positive factors), depression and
impulsiveness (negative factors), interpersonal skills (e.g.,
assertiveness), and realistic beliefs about marriage.
2.
Couple traits
These include couple communication and conflict resolution skills, degree
of acquaintance (how long and how well the couple has known each other),
similarity of values and goals (positive factors), and living together as
a trial marriage (negative factor).
3.
Personal and relationship contexts These include family background characteristics
such as previous marriages, existing children, the quality of an
individual’s parents’ marriage, family relationship quality, age at
marriage, and parents’ and friends’ approval of the relationship.
Assessing Yourself and Your
Relationship
Knowing and
understanding the premarital factors discussed above is the first step.
The
second step is assessing these factors in yourself and your relationship.
This can be accomplished most effectively and easily by completing a
comprehensive premarital assessment questionnaire (PAQ) and interpreting
the results with your partner. Three high-quality PAQs that provide
couples with useful feedback on their strengths and weaknesses in each of
the areas above include:
§
Facilitating
Open Couple Communication, Understanding and Study (FOCCUS)
§
Relationship
Evaluation (RELATE)
§
Premarital
Preparation and Relationship Enhancement (PREPARE)
Each of
these questionnaires can be completed in about an hour and provide you and
your partner with a detailed written report about individual traits,
couple traits, and contexts of your relationship. Strengths and weaknesses
in each area are also highlighted. RELATE can be completed online and
provides a self-interpretive report, enabling you to analyze and interpret
the results. FOCCUS and PREPARE are used with the assistance of a
premarital counselor or clergy person trained in using these instruments.
The cost of taking these PAQs is relatively inexpensive ($10 – $30 per
couple). All contain questions for people considering remarriage, as well.
The accuracy of the results depends on the honesty and insight of the
partners when they answered the questions.
These
PAQs aim to encourage awareness and couple discussion of strengths and
weaknesses, readiness for marriage, and goals that should be met before
marrying. Couples find these discussions to be very interesting,
informative, and useful. It is important to note that these PAQs are not
intended to be like a crystal ball that predicts marital happiness.
Rather, the results are used as a way to focus discussions between
partners on developing strengths and overcoming weaknesses before
they marry. This is important to do because weaknesses that exist before
marriage and are unknown or ignored usually develop into bigger problems after
marriage. And, since couples in the premarital stage of their relationship
are usually younger, happier, and more emotionally engaged and more highly
committed to their relationship than at any other time in their
relationship history, it makes sense to have these discussions before
marriage.
Going from Assessment to Improvement
Going from
assessment (using a PAQ) to personal and couple improvement involves 3 key
steps:
1. Noting the areas of concern found in the PAQ
results, such as poor couple communication skills or too short an
acquaintance, and celebrating strengths like emotional health and healthy
family backgrounds.
2. Deciding
what is causing the identified problems—for example, poor
listening
skills or a hesitancy to express feelings, or rushing into marriage too
quickly due to pressure or
fear.
3. Finding
and using the resources to help improve the situation—that is, turning
weaknesses into strengths. This may include reading self-help books,
listening to audio or video tapes, attending a communication skills
training group, or premarital counseling. Suggested resources for these
options are listed at the end of this brochure. Knowing there are many
good resources for enriching marriage after the wedding gives couples more
confidence as they enter into marriage.
A PAQ may
also be helpful in discovering that further assessment or counseling is
needed. For example, if an individual’s PAQ results show that she or he
is depressed, anxious, or has low self-esteem, a more thorough mental
health assessment may be recommended, possibly including therapy. The
person's improvement in mood and self-esteem will naturally increase the
chances of being happily married.
Premarital Counseling
Most
premarital counseling includes using a written questionnaire like one of
the PAQs described earlier. Premarital counseling usually involves
spending 5 – 7 sessions with a family therapist interpreting test
results, setting goals for improvement, and discussing other important
topics related to marriage such as finances, roles in marriage, and having
children. Premarital counseling also helps the couple improve their
communication skills. Most couples rate premarital counseling as very
helpful, and it also establishes in their relationship a positive attitude
about seeking help if marriage problems arise in the future.
Marriage and
family therapists (MFTs) are uniquely trained and qualified to help
couples with premarital assessment and counseling. An experienced MFT
understands the diverse dynamics of couples and their relationships, and
is prepared to assist couples with any issues that may arise.
Consumer Resources
Books
Larson, J.H.
(2000). Should we stay together? A
scientifically proven method for evaluating your relationship and
improving its chances for long-term success. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
This book provides a step-by-step format for helping a couple understand
and assess their relationship and set goals for improvement using
questions from the RELATE and other standardized instruments contained in
the book.
Markman,
H.J., Stanely, S.M., & Blumberg, S.L. (2001). Fighting
for your marriage (revised edition). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. This
book is the manual for the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program
(PREP) and contains valuable advice, assessments, and recommendations for
preparing for and enriching marriage.
Premarital Assessment Questionnaires
RELATE can
be found online at www.relate.byu.edu or can
be ordered by calling 801-378-4359. Contact your clergy person or
therapist for the PREPARE and FOCCUS questionnaires and learn more about
them at www.lifeinnovations.com (PREPARE) or e-mail FLO@omahaflo.creighton.edu (FOCCUS).
The text for this brochure was written by Jeffry H.
Larson, Ph.D.
© 2002 by the AAMFT
Click
here to purchase this or other informative materials from AAMFT
Marriage and family therapists are mental health professionals who treat a
wide array of disorders, working with individuals, couples, and families.
Marriage and family therapy clients report that they are highly satisfied
with the services they have received, and research shows that marriage and
family therapy is a cost-effective, short-term, and results-oriented form
of treatment.
The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), the
professional organization representing marriage and family therapists,
believes that therapists with specific and rigorous training in marriage
and family therapy provide the most effective mental health care to
individuals, couples, and families. This brochure is courtesy of:
the AAMFT.
Visit the AAMFT
TherapistLocator.net, a public service of the
AAMFT. There you will find information about a range of problems facing
today's families, and you can search for a qualified family therapist in
your area.