After an Affair:
How Marital Therapy Heals the Wounds
Trouble in the Clintons’ marriage
resulting from the President’s extramarital sexual affair can stir up painful
memories for the millions of Americans who have faced similar marital crises. It also may
cause those who have not faced the problem to wonder how they would react and what would
they do to get themselves through the pain and humiliation.
What
would you do?
The President has already announced he’s chosen to work closely
with several clergy members to help him "avoid temptation and heal his
marriage." Some observers have also suggested that he seek individual psychotherapy
to explore underlying emotional problems. However, what is missing from the public
discussion thus far is the fact that couples such as the Clintons should also go together
for professional help from a marital therapist, both to get through the immediate crisis
and then to examine and repair their relationship.
Assuming that the affair is definitely over and that both partners want
to continue their marriage -- and that’s often a big "If" in these
situations -- their first priority should be the restoration of trust. This can best be
achieved by going together for help. If both partners seek only individual psychotherapy,
this may again build a wall of secrecy and privacy between them and cause further
alienation.
However, if the couple works together with a marriage and family
therapist who is trained to treat these crises, they can put the infidelity in
perspective, explore underlying marital problems, learn how to renew and transform their
relationship, and avoid unnecessary divorces. (Or choose to divorce. Some couples may
eventually decide during therapy that the marriage cannot be saved.)
But for those couples who want to save their marriage following an
affair, marital therapy is often effective. While the person who had the affair is held
accountable for his or her behavior, the therapist provides a safe, confidential, and
balanced environment in which they all work together to explore and rebuild the marital
relationship. It often takes one year of biweekly visits with the therapist and then
another year of the couple working together to rebuild trust before they generally feel
"healed."
Here’s what you can expect if you and your partner ever choose to
enter marriage therapy following an affair:
Phase I: Surge of Hope.
For the first month or so of marital therapy, a couple may feel quite
good and hopeful about their relationship. The immediate crisis is subsiding, the decision
to re-commit to the marriage has been made, and they have joined together in therapy to
work on their marriage. "Let’s put the infidelity behind us and move on,"
they say.
Phase II: No More Secrets
During this next phase, which often takes several months, the therapist
will guide the couple through the difficult and often-painful process of taking a deeper
look at the affair and other underlying problems in their relationship. To restore trust,
the person who had the affair will need to be fully truthful and honest about any details
that the injured spouse wants to know, such as the name of the other person involved in
the affair and details of secret meetings and sexual encounters. This information may
unleash anger and anguish that need to be dealt with openly in therapy.
The person who had the affair must also assume full personal
responsibility for the affair and not pass the blame onto the spouse, personal or
emotional problems, or work pressures. He or she must also take responsibility for his or
her part in any underlying martial problems. Also, if this person needs to grieve the loss
of the lover in the affair, this should be done privately or during individual sessions
with the therapist and not in the presence of the spouse.
By the same token, the injured partner also has difficult work to do. He
or she may need to come down from the pedestal, drop the saint or martyr role, move past
the anger and hurt, and -- hardest of all -- be willing to examine his or her role in the
underlying marriage problems.
Rebuilding trust is an uneven process that often takes three steps
forward, two steps back.
The injured spouse may continue to be suspicious and insecure,
experience painful flashbacks at unsuspecting times, or scrutinize the other
partner’s behavior especially around members of the opposite sex. The person who had
the affair must learn to tolerate this distrust and not become self-righteous or
indignant. The therapist then helps the couple understand how their respective reactions
are understandable and learn how to better handle future incidents.
Phase III: New Beginnings
The final -- and longest -- phase of marital therapy is devoted to
emotional recovery and rebuilding the relationship. During this phase, the therapist helps
the couple learn new ways to relate to each other and how to put intensity, once drained
by the affair, back into their sexual relationship. The couple gradually begins to restore
emotional intimacy by learning how to express what they want and need from the
relationship, as well as what changes they would like their partner to make.
The therapist also works with the couple to develop new communications
skills and methods for resolving conflict, which was previously avoided and submerged in
the affair.
Some couples begin "dating" again, starting from scratch to
rebuild their relationship. They learn how to spend time alone together and enjoy each
other’s company. In addition, the therapist helps them learn how to ask for what they
want and negotiate their differences.
Success is not guaranteed. For some couples, the affair turns out to be
the final nail in a coffin after an emotional divorce has already taken place. Therapy can
help them accept this reality and then support them and their family through the trauma of
a divorce.
But for couples who are committed to saving their marriages and willing
to do the necessary repair work together with a trained marital therapist, they often
emerge with a better, closer, and stronger marriage than they ever imagined. For them, the
affair represents a wake-up call and an opportunity to birth a new marriage.
# # #
by Dr. William Doherty, Professor and Director of the Marriage and
Family Therapy Program, University of Minnesota, Minneapolis, MN
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Marriage and family therapists are mental health professionals who treat a
wide array of disorders, working with individuals, couples, and families.
Marriage and family therapy clients report that they are highly satisfied
with the services they have received, and research shows that marriage and
family therapy is a cost-effective, short-term, and results-oriented form
of treatment.
The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), the
professional organization representing marriage and family therapists,
believes that therapists with specific and rigorous training in marriage
and family therapy provide the most effective mental health care to
individuals, couples, and families. This brochure is courtesy of:
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