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Families are much more than groups of individuals. They have their own goals and aspirations. They also are places where every child and adult should feel that he or she is special and be encouraged to pursue his or her own dreams; a place where everyone's individuality is permitted to flourish. Although every family has conflicts, all the family members should feel as though they can express themselves openly, share their feelings, and have their opinions listened to with understanding. In fact, conflicts and disagreements are a normal part of family life and are important insofar as they permit people to communicate their differences and ventilate their feelings.

The family instructs children and gives guidance about personal values and social behavior. It instills discipline and helps them learn and internalize codes of conduct that will serve them for the rest of their lives. It helps them develop positive interpersonal relationships, and it provides an environment that encourages learning both in the home and at school. It gives children a sense of history and a secure base from which to grow and develop. Yet, as important as these functions are, they do not happen automatically. Every parent knows it takes hard work to keep the family going as an effective, adaptive and functional unit.

A Vision of the Family

Your child's notion - as well as your own ideas - of the family and how it should work have largely been shaped by personal experiences. If you grew up as an only child, for example, and you have four youngsters of your own who compete for attention, privacy, or possessions, you might feel that there's something wrong with the way your family is functioning and might tend to become overcontrolling. Or if you were one of two girls who grew up in a household where everyone was relatively cooperative, and you have three sons who are rambunctious, you may be concerned about relationships within the family because things are not in sync with your early experiences.

Other factors can help shape your vision of the family and how it actually works. Religious and moral beliefs, for example, help form your ideas of the way things "should" be. Your economic situation and living conditions will influence the functioning of your family, perhaps in ways that run counter to your preconceptions. Today's geographic mobility can put distance between extended families, with hundreds or thousands of miles separating grandparents and their grandchildren; if you grew up with your grandparents nearby, the new realities may be uncomfortable for you.

The prevailing cultural values as depicted and transmitted by the media may not coincide with your notion of family. Television, motion pictures and other media bombard us each day with fantasy images of the family. And if your family doesn't measure up to these depictions - if your family isn't always as happy as those families on the TV commercials, or doesn't settle arguments within a thirty-minute time slot - you might feel you aren't doing as good a job as you should. Some of the media more accurately portray the evolving roles that males and females can play today, with both fathers and mothers having more options in sharing the breadwinning and child-raising responsibilities.

To repeat, there are many variations of "normal," some of which may not conform to your expectations. You might feel something is awry with your own family when nothing is wrong at all. You may just have to rethink your expectations of what a family should be.