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Some families cannot seem to settle conflicts. Family members may deny that problems exist. Or they may draw a third person into the conflict, supposedly to mediate the difficulty, but who instead may take a position on one side or the other and thereby make the disagreement worse. Sometimes when they are unable to resolve their conflict, the warring parties may join together to focus attention on another family member as a way to avoid dealing with the real problem.

Within every family, certain alliances, coalitions and rivalries exist. At times, mother and daughter might form an alliance against father and son. Or the two parents might unite against the children on a particular issue. But within a healthy family these coalitions are not fixed, they change from situation to situation, and they do not disrupt the functioning of the family. If they become rigid and long-lasting, however, they can do damage to the family.

It is natural to be unaware that any alliances exist within your family. But to get a better sense of your family's dynamics, ask yourself questions like: "What family member do I tend to agree (or disagree) with most often? When my children are fighting, whose side do I generally take? With whom in the family do I usually spend my free time? Who in the family most easily angers me?"

Is my family functioning normally?

Many parents ask themselves this question, but there is no simple answer, since there can be such broad definitions of the term normal.

Still, there are several characteristics that are generally identified with a well-functioning family. Some have been mentioned earlier: support; love and caring for other family members; providing security and a sense of belonging; open communication; making each person within the family feel important, valued, respected and esteemed.

Here are some other qualities to consider when evaluating how well your own family is functioning.

• Is there ample humor and fun within your family, despite the very real demands of daily life?
• Does your family have rules that have been clearly stated and are evenly applied, yet are flexible and respond to new situations and changes in the family?
• Are the family's expectations of each person reasonable, realistic, mutually agreed upon and generally fulfilled?
• Do family members achieve most of their individual goals, and are their personal needs being met?
• Do parents and children have genuine respect for one another, demonstrating love, caring, trust, and concern, even when there are disagreements?
• Is your family able to mature and change without everyone getting upset or unhappy?

In order to provide a supportive, emotionally healthy family environment, you need to devote some thought and energy to the following questions:

• Do you treat each child as an individual? Each child has his own temperament, his own way of viewing and interacting with the world around him. Parents may love their children equally, but naturally will have different sorts of relationships with each of them. Individualize your relationship with each of your children, reinforcing their strengths and talents and avoiding making unflattering comparisons with their siblings or friends.
• Does your family have regular routines? Children and parents benefit from having some predictable day-to-day routines. Morning schedules, mealtimes and bedtimes are easier for everyone when they follow a pattern. Children also appreciate family rituals and traditions around birthdays, holidays and vacations.
• Is your family an active participant in your extended family and the community? Families work better when they feel connected and supported by friends and relatives. Usually such relationships require that parents make an active effort to get together with others socially or for civic projects.
• Are your expectations of yourself and other family members realistic? Your child's self-awareness, knowledge and skills are constantly changing. Observe, read and talk to others to learn what can reasonably be expected of your child at each stage of development. Parents, too, have limitations on what they can accomplish, given their resources and the time available. There are no "superparents," just individuals doing their best.
• Does the time you spend with your family members contribute to good relationships among you? Most of the time you and your child and your spouse spend together should be fun, relaxed, meaningful and relatively conflict-free.
• As a parent, singly or as a couple, are you taking care of your own needs? You should be leading a healthy personal life (including proper diet, exercise and sleep habits). Set aside time, however brief, for things you enjoy. Your children will thrive when your own emotional needs are being met. They do best when they are reared by parents who are in a harmonious relationship with each other.
• Do you take moral and social responsibility for your own life? You are the most important role model for your child. Demonstrate your value system through actions as well as words.