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When these situations come up, you need to learn to respect your child's wishes and allow her some privacy. You might inquire why she does not want to talk as much about her school day; but if she is not having problems in the classroom, respect her wishes. Do not pressure her to talk, but still provide opportunities for her to do so. For example:

"What happened today at school, Jennifer?"
"Nothing."
"Don't you feel like talking about your day?"
"There's nothing to talk about."
"Well, if there's anything you'd like to tell me about school, I'd love to hear it. But if you don't want to talk about school, that's okay too."

Bear in mind that at some point early in middle childhood - usually by the second or third grade - children prefer to spend more time playing and talking with their friends than with their parents. This is an example of a child's renegotiating boundaries and relationships.

On the other hand, certain secrets are not appropriate to keep. For example, when a child is endangering herself (by experimenting with drugs, perhaps), you need to say, "I have the right to know what is going on!" Or if your child has been approached sexually by an older child, adolescent, or adult, you need to get involved immediately.

Family Privacy

Family boundaries are a two-way street. Everyone in the family needs some privacy, including you as a parent. Closed doors and shut dresser drawers must be respected. Teach your child about privacy by respecting her space and belongings.

Also keep in mind that children are not adults. In the middle years of childhood, youngsters are not emotionally and developmentally ready to understand or take on the stresses that adults face. So don't expect a child of this age to serve as your confidante or "best friend," burdening her with your problems and concerns. On the one hand, your child will be sensitive to your moods and will recognize if something is wrong or is troubling you; when this happens, be honest with her, explaining that you are experiencing some difficulties that may take some time to work through. However, a lengthy and complete disclosure of your problems is unwise; particularly if your sharing is intended to elicit emotional support for you, that can become a burden for your child and is not justified.

The best approach is to acknowledge to your child that a problem exists. Discuss how it might affect the family's routines, but voice optimism that in time the difficulty will be resolved and things will be fine. Encourage your youngster to talk about her feelings about what you are going through. But you need to respond in a way to reassure and support her.

If you wish, discuss any concrete actions she can take that would be of help. If you have lost your job, for example, and there will be pressures upon the family finances, perhaps you and your child can together think of ways she could help save a little money - perhaps by taking a sack lunch to school rather than buying it there, or postponing a planned activity or purchase until you become employed again. These actions by your youngster, however, should not become an emotional burden on her, nor should you present them in a way to make her feel responsible for "fixing" the problem.