For purchasing or reprint information, click here.

At the same time, school-age children have a growing need for privacy, autonomy and separation from their parents. To some degree they will gradually move away from the family - physically, socially and emotionally. This is a normal part of growing up, and it is a principal goal of raising children so that eventually they succeed in the world outside the family. Nonetheless, for many parents this changing relationship can be painful, confusing, and the source of tension and behavioral conflicts.

As they grow up, children also experience a variety of challenges and transitions. Some are predictable and part of the life of every child; some are less usual. Children face transitions such as entering school, taking new subjects, changing classrooms and teachers, making new friends, trying new activities and moving to new homes or cities. They might also include certain losses, like losing a favorite possession, a pet or a friend. The illness or death of a family member or loss of a parent through divorce is especially traumatic. These times can be painful for school-age children, and parents need to provide support and attention.

Developmental Variations: How They Affect Behavior

You should be aware of two less typical patterns of behavior that your youngster might exhibit, which reflect variations in development to some extent, or an inability to cope with challenges. First, very well-behaved children, too well-behaved, may be overly anxious to please, very needy of attention, love, and approval or fearful of rejection. Sometimes these children are attempting to care for, defend, or protect a parent by being very well-behaved. They may be overly cautious, very shy, overprotected and feel insecure and incompetent. They also may have few friends and interests that are appropriate for their age.

Another worrisome pattern is characterized by self-defeating behavior, such as the child who deliberately does poorly in school, breaks rules or continually places herself in no-win situations. These kinds of behavior may stem from the youngster's need to assert her own power, to gain control of her life (or parts of it), or to reject parental authority, pressure or expectations. They also may arise from a fear of failure or rejection, or from a need to rationalize failure or to avoid the uncertainty of taking on a new task. Quite commonly, these children have low self-esteem and lack self-confidence.

This latter group of children finds it emotionally safer and more comfortable to accept the certainty of failure rather than risk the uncertainty and anxiety of attempting success. They also often blame themselves when things go wrong or when they feel rejected or unloved. They tend to think in absolute and fatalistic ways, feeling that "now is forever" - that is, if their life circumstances are unpleasant now, they will be so forever.

These children also may have difficulty seeing the world from the perspective or viewpoint of others. For instance, a parent may be having her own difficulties and is thus unable to give much love or positive feedback at a particular time. Children take this change very personally and may respond by feeling rejected, or they may inappropriately blame themselves for their parent's disregard.

Children also often resort to negative behavior such as regressing or being very disobedient in order to communicate feelings that they otherwise cannot express, or in response to the belief that their feelings are not being acknowledged by their parents. Behavioral difficulties might also be an outgrowth of a language problem, often when a child cannot readily understand spoken language or cannot easily put feelings into words. Or they may be part of a family where verbal communication and expressing feelings through words are not encouraged. Unfortunately, some children may fear they will be punished or receive disapproval for expressing their feelings; eventually, these repressed feelings may emerge, indeed erupt, through their behavior.

Evaluating Behavioral Problems

Parents often have difficulty telling the difference between variations in normal behavior and true behavioral problems. In reality, the difference between normal and abnormal behavior is not always clear; usually it is a matter of degree or expectation. A fine line often divides normal from abnormal behavior, in part because what is "normal" depends upon the child's level of development, which can vary greatly among children of the same age. Development can be uneven, too, with a child's social development lagging behind his intellectual growth, or vice versa. In addition, "normal" behavior is in part determined by the context in which it occurs - that is, by the particular situation and time, as well as by the child's own particular family values and expectations, and cultural and social background.

Understanding your child's unique developmental progress is necessary in order to interpret, accept or adapt his behavior (as well as your own). Remember, children have great individual variations of temperament, development and behavior.

Your own parental responses are guided by whether you see the behavior as a problem. Frequently, parents overinterpret or overreact to a minor, normal short-term change in behavior. At the other extreme, they may ignore or downplay a serious problem. They also may seek quick, simple answers to what are, in fact, complex problems. All of these responses may create difficulties or prolong the time for a resolution.

Behavior that parents tolerate, disregard or consider reasonable differs from one family to the next. Some of these differences come from the parents' own upbringing; they may have had very strict or very permissive parents themselves, and their expectations of their children follow accordingly. Other behavior is considered a problem when parents feel that people are judging them for their child's behavior; this leads to an inconsistent response from the parents, who may tolerate behavior at home that they are embarrassed by in public.

Your Response to Your Child's Behavior

The parents' own temperament, usual mood, and daily pressures will also influence how they interpret the child's behavior. Easygoing parents may accept a wider range of behavior as normal and be slower to label something a problem, while parents who are by nature more stern move more quickly to discipline their children. Depressed parents, or parents having marital or financial difficulties, are less likely to tolerate much latitude in their offspring's behavior. Parents usually differ from one another in their own backgrounds and personal preferences, resulting in differing parenting styles that will influence a child's behavior and development.

When children's behavior is complex and challenging, some parents find reasons not to respond. For instance, parents often rationalize ("It's not my fault"), despair ("Why me?"), wish it would go away ("Kids outgrow these problems anyway"), deny ("There's really no problem"), hesitate to take action ("It may hurt his feelings"), avoid ("I didn't want to face his anger") or fear rejection ("He won't love me").

If you are worried about your child's behavior or development, or if you are uncertain as to how one affects the other, consult your pediatrician as early as possible, even if just to be reassured that your child's behavior and development are within a normal range.