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Because your toddler is self-centered, her older brothers and sisters might find her very taxing. Not only does she still consume the bulk of your time and attention, but with increasing frequency she will deliberately invade her siblings' territory and possessions. When they throw her out, she may respond with a tantrum. Even if the older siblings were tolerant and affectionate toward her as an infant, they're bound to display some antagonistic feelings toward her now.

It will help keep the peace if you enforce off-limits rules to protect the older children's privacy, and you set aside time to spend just with them. No matter how old they are, all your children want your affection and attention. Whether they're preparing for the preschool picnic, planning a science project, trying out for the junior high soccer team, or fretting over a date for the junior prom, they need you as much as your toddler does.

If your toddler is the older sibling, the rivalry may be much more intense. The normal feelings of jealousy are heightened by her self-centeredness, and she doesn't have the reasoning abilities to cope with them. Despite her drive for independence, there are many times each day when she'll want to be the baby, and she isn't about to wait her turn.

It's important to begin preparing your toddler before the new baby arrives. She'll recognize the changes quite early in pregnancy, so don't try to hide anything from her. When she asks, tell her that a new baby is coming, but don't stress that it will be a brother or sister. Otherwise she'll expect a playmate instead of an infant. Try not to overemphasize the arrival of the new brother or sister far in advance of your delivery; your toddler is concerned only with events that happen in the immediate future.

As tempting as it may be to have her toilet trained before the new baby arrives, it's not worth it if you have to pressure her to make it happen. Such efforts will probably backfire, and the added stress may make her resent the new baby. If there are major changes that must be made, like moving her to a new room, make them well in advance of the baby's due date. The less pressure you place on your toddler at this time, the better everyone will fare.

After the new baby comes home, include your toddler as much as possible in your activities with the infant. Although she definitely can't be trusted alone with the infant, invite her to "help" as you feed, bathe, change and dress her new sibling. Take advantage of the baby's naps to spend time alone with your toddler, and stress her importance to you and to the baby.

It's essential to recognize that you can't satisfy the needs of both of them all the time, especially not by yourself. When you're feeling especially overwhelmed, "divide and conquer" by handing one child to your spouse, relative or a close friend while you attend to the other. If possible, arrange for your toddler to go on special outings during this time, even if just to a park or the zoo. If the children get these occasional breaks from each other, everyone will feel less competitive and a little more comfortable.