The clothes you wear. The food you eat. The color of your bedroom walls.
Where you go and how you get there. The people you hang with. What time you go
to bed.
What do these things have in common, you're asking? They're just a few
examples of the many hundreds of things that your parents controlled for you
when you were a child. As a kid, you didn't have a say in very much that went
on; your parents made decisions about everything from the cereal you ate in the
morning to the pajamas you wore at night. And it's a good thing, too - kids need
this kind of protection and assistance, because they aren't mature enough to
take care of themselves and make careful decisions on their own.
But eventually, kids grow up and become teens. And part of being a teen is
developing your own identity - one that is separate from the identities of your
parents. It's totally normal for teens to create their own opinions,
thoughts, and values about life; it's what prepares them for adulthood.
But as you change and grow into this new person who makes his or her own
decisions, your parents may have a difficult time adjusting. They aren't used to
the new you yet - they only know you as the kid who had everything decided for
you and didn't mind.
In most families, it's this adjustment that can cause a lot of fighting
between teens and parents. You want to cover your walls with posters; they don't
understand why you don't like your Sesame Street wallpaper anymore. You think
it's OK to hang at the mall every day after school; they would rather that you
play a sport. Clashes like these are very common between teens and parents -
teens get angry because they feel parents don't respect them and aren't giving
them space to do what they like, and parents get angry because they aren't used
to not being in control.
It's easy for feelings to get very hurt when there are conflicts like these.
And more complicated issues - like the types of friends you have or your
attitudes about sex and partying - can cause even bigger arguments, because your
parents will always be intent on protecting you and keeping you safe, no matter
how old you are.
The good news about fighting with your parents is that in many families the
arguing will lessen as parents get more comfortable with the idea that their
teen has a right to certain opinions and an identity that may be different from
theirs. It can take several years for parents and teens to adjust to their new
roles, though. In the meantime, concentrate on
with your parents as
best you can.
Sometimes this can feel impossible - like they just don't see your point of
view and never will. But talking and expressing your opinions can help
you gain more respect from your parents, and you may be able to reach
compromises that make everyone happy. For example, if you are willing to clean
your room in order to stay out an hour later, both you and your parents walk
away with a good deal. Keep in mind, too, that your parents were teens once and
that in most cases, they can relate to what you're going through.
Reviewed by: Jennifer Shroff Pendley,
PhD
Date reviewed: August 2004