Children and Divorce
Many families in the United States are
touched by divorce. The current divorce rate is calculated to be between 40 and 60% for
those recently married and up to 10% higher for remarriages. A majority of divorces occur
in families with children under the age of 18.
Divorce propels adults and children into
numerous adjustments and challenges. While great diversity exists in childrens
adjustment to divorce, and a majority of children weather the transition and become
competent adults, up to a quarter of children whose parents divorce experience ongoing
emotional and behavior difficulties (as compared to 10% of children whose parents do not
divorce).
Spouses divorce each other, but they do not divorce their children. A majority of
former spouses are able to establish a relatively conflict-free parenting relationship for
the benefit of their children. However, about a third have difficulty in establishing a
workable parenting relationship, even years after the divorce.
In her research on divorcing parents, family therapist Constance Ahrons identified
different types of post-divorce parenting relationships: "perfect pals,"
"cooperative colleagues," "angry associates," "fiery foes,"
and "dissolved duos." However, even when parents are "angry
associates" or "fiery foes," there are ways they can develop cooperative or
business-like relationships for the sake of their children. Parental conflict can hinder
childrens adjustment and good coparenting skills are very important to a child's
adjustment.
Most parents who have a difficult relationship with their ex-spouse but who want to
coparent start out with "parallel parenting." In this arrangement, each parent
assumes total responsibility for the children during the time they are together; there is
no expectation of flexibility and little contact with the other parent. As time goes on
and anger dissipates, parents may develop some version of "cooperative
parenting." In this arrangement, parents communicate directly and in a business-like
manner regarding the children and coparenting schedules. Marriage and family therapists
can be helpful to families as they formulate or define their post-divorce parenting
relationships.
How can you help your children?
- Tell children about the divorce together, if possible.
- Answer childrens questions honestly, avoiding unnecessary details.
- Reassure children they are not to blame for divorce.
- Tell children they are loved and will be taken care of.
- Include the other parent in school and other activities.
- Be consistent and on time to pick up and return children.
- Develop a workable parenting plan that gives children access to both parents.
- Guard against canceling plans with children.
- Give children permission to have a loving, satisfying relationship with other parent.
- Avoid putting children in the middle and in the position of having to take sides.
- Avoid pumping children for information about the other parent.
- Avoid arguing and discussing child support issues in front of children.
- Avoid speaking negatively about the other parent or using the child as a pawn to hurt
the other parent.
How do you know
when to seek help?
When your children show signs of stress:
acts younger than their chronological age
fear of being apart from parent(s)
moodiness
acting out
manipulation
sadness and depression
guilt
sleep or eating problems
change in personality
academic and peer problems
irrational fears and compulsive behavior
When you or your partner begins to:
- use the legal system to fight with each other
- put down or badmouth the other parent
- use the children as message carriers or to spy on the other parent (children feel caught
in the middle)
- experience high levels of conflict and children repeatedly try to stop the fighting
- rely on the children for high level of emotional support and major
responsibilities in the home
- experience depression or anxiety
What help is
available for divorcing parents and children?
- Court-connected divorce education programs for parents and children.
Programs for parents and, sometimes, children are recommended or required in over half
of the counties in the United States. Call your local family court for more information.
- School programs for children.
Some school systems offer small groups for children during the day or after school. In
these groups children learn that they are not alone in their experience of divorce and
learn coping strategies.
- Family therapy (available through public and private mental health centers, university
family therapy centers).
During separation and divorce, family members experience uncertainty, emotional
upheaval, and changes in their family roles and rules. Family therapists can assist in the
process of redefining relationships and addressing family members responsibilities
and needs.
Many resources exist for adults, parents, and children who wish to learn more about the
process of separation and divorce. In particular, numerous books exist for children at
varying reading levels. A few books for parents are mentioned in this brochure; check
libraries and bookstores for other titles.
Consumer Resources:
Ahrons, C. R. (1994). The good divorce: Keeping your family
together when your marriage comes apart. New York: HarperCollins.
The point of the Ahrons book is not that divorce is good, but that there is such a
thing as a good divorce, in which couples part without destroying each other and their
children. She concludes that about 50% of couples had cooperative coparental relationships
one year post-divorce.
Blau, M. (1993). Families apart: Ten keys to successful
co-parenting. New York: G. P. Putnams Sons.
This book focuses on what separating parents need to know if they are thinking
about coparenting. Blau identifies ten "keys" to good parenting after a divorce;
chapters are organized around these keys. Blau lists many resources for parents and
age-appropriate books for children.
Everett, C., & Everett, S. V. (1994). Healthy divorce.
San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
This book describes 14 stages of adjustment from marital erosion through
separation, mediation, and remarriage. Helpful ideas given for coparenting and mediating.
Gold, L. (1992). Between love and hate: A guide to civilized
divorce. New York: Plenum Press.
This hands-on guide to the divorce process provides assessments and exercises that
help parents learn to resolve conflict, improve communication, and avoid costly legal
battles.
Lansky, V. (1991). Vicki Lanskys divorce book for
parents. New York: Signet.
This inexpensive paperback book is a comprehensive guide that includes such topics
as: telling the children, talking with your ex-spouse, dealing with support payments,
dating, sex and the single parent, knowing when to get professional help, and handling
holidays.
The text for this brochure was written by
Karen R. Blaisure, Ph.D. and Margie J. Geasler, Ph.D.
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Item #1055
Marriage and family therapists are mental health professionals who treat a
wide array of disorders, working with individuals, couples, and families.
Marriage and family therapy clients report that they are highly satisfied
with the services they have received, and research shows that marriage and
family therapy is a cost-effective, short-term, and results-oriented form
of treatment.
The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), the
professional organization representing marriage and family therapists,
believes that therapists with specific and rigorous training in marriage
and family therapy provide the most effective mental health care to
individuals, couples, and families. This brochure is courtesy of:
the AAMFT.
Visit the AAMFT
TherapistLocator.net, a public service of the
AAMFT. There you will find information about a range of problems facing
today's families, and you can search for a qualified family therapist in
your area.