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Divorce —Talking About Fears and Concerns
Divorce —Talking About Fears and Concerns
Open communication is a very important way for you to help your child through difficult times. Being able to share his fears, worries, and feelings with you can make your child feel safe and special. The earlier you tell him what is happening and the more often you talk, the more comfortable he will feel. When talking with your child about the divorce, follow these guidelines:
- Be completely honest and open about the circumstances. Talk about the divorce in simple terms. For example, "Your dad and I are having some trouble getting along" or "Your mother and I are thinking we may need to separate."
- Make sure your child knows he is not responsible. Children will often think it is their fault that one parent has left. They may blame themselves or feel alone, unwanted or unloved. Let your child know the changes are not his fault, that you love him and will not leave him.
- Try not to blame you ex-spouse or show your anger. Explain that parents sometimes make adult decisions to live separately.
- Be patient with questions. You do not have to have all the answers. Sometimes just carefully listening to your child's concerns is more helpful than talking. Here are some of the questions you might expect from your child:
- Why are you getting divorced?
- Will you ever get back together again?
- Where am I going to live?
- Will we move?
- Will I have to change schools?
- Was the divorce my fault?
- How often will I see Daddy/Mommy?
- Are we going to be poor?
Give your child the reassurance he needs to feel safe and loved. If needed, don't hesitate to get help from your pediatrician or a family counselor.
Just as each child's concerns and questions about divorce will vary, so will their reactions.Your child's age, sex, temperament, past experiences and family support all play apart in his ability to handle the divorce. The following are normal ways that your child may react to a separation or divorce. If any of these behaviors become excessive, talk to your pediatrician.
Children under 3 years of age may:
- Be sad
- Be afraid of others
- Not want to be separated from one parent
- Have problems eating or sleeping
- Have trouble with toilet training
- Have outbursts or tantrums
- Blame themselves for the divorce-especially children between 3 and 5 years of age.
- School-age children may:
- Be moody or angry
- Have problems eating or sleeping
- Seem distracted and faraway
- Not do as well in school
- Have tantrums
- Be more aggressive or angry
- Express their sadness and wish for parents to get back together
- Worry about divided loyalty to their parents
Adolescents may:
- Withdraw emotionally from family and/or friends
- Become aggressive or angry
- Engage in risky behaviors such as sexual experimentation or use of drugs
- Worry about the financial effects of divorce on the family
- Have problems eating or sleeping
- Feel depressed
- Working out custody and child support issues
The information contained in this publication should not be used as a substitute for the medical care and advice of your pediatrician. There may be variations in treatment that your pediatrician may recommend based on individual facts and circumstances.
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© Copyright 2000 American Academy of Pediatrics
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