Divorce Matters: A Child's View
Lesia Oesterreich, M.S.
Family Life Extension Specialist
Human Development and Family Studies
Iowa State University
Copyright Access Information
Children look at the world differently than adults. Much of what
they understand about divorce depends on their age. A toddler
will not understand as much as a 5-year-old understands. A school-age
boy will not handle his emotions the same way his teenage sister
will.
Studies show that children experience the greatest impact from
divorce within two or three years of its occurrence. However,
research also shows that children are greatly affected by divorce
throughout their youth. At each age, there are certain feelings
and reactions that children will
experience.
How divorce impacts children
- They display a wide range of emotions.
- They express their pain and anger differently at different
ages.
- They may turn their anger and pain inward and withdraw.
- They may turn their anger and pain outward and misbehave.
- They may feel responsible.
- They may fear abandonment.
- They may show symptoms of physical illness.
- They may improve their behavior thinking it could save the
marriage.
Infants
What do they understand?
- Infants do not understand anything about separation or divorce,
but they do notice changes in their parents' responses to them.
How do they react?
- Infants may experience changes in their eating or sleeping
patterns.
- They may have bowel problems such as diarrhea or constipation,
or they may spit up more frequently.
- Infants may seem more fretful, fearful, or anxious.
What can parents do?
- Parents can try to keep a normal routine.
- They can try to remain calm in front of their baby.
- Parents can try to rest while their baby sleeps.
- They can ask family or friends for help.
- Parents can remember that even infants need contact with
both of their parents.
Toddlers
What do they understand?
- Toddlers understand that one parent no longer lives at home,
although they don't know why.
How do they react?
- Toddlers cry more and become clingy.
- They have problems sleeping and experience changes in their
toilet habits.
- Toddlers return to baby-like behavior such as demanding to
be fed by their parents.
- They often feel angry or frustrated about the situation,
but cannot understand or explain their feelings.
- Toddlers may express anger by throwing temper tantrums, acting
sulky, hitting, being irritable and reckless, or withdrawing.
- Toddlers may start worrying about any kind of separation
and may become fearful when a parent is out of sight.
What can parents do?
- Parents can provide nurturing and reassurance.
- They can continue establishes routines.
- Parents can allow some baby-like behavior, but must set clear
limits and consequences.
- They can keep daily stress to a minimum by allowing their
toddler extra time to complete tasks.
- Parents can try to spend time alone with their child.
- They can let their child spend time with another adult such
as a grandparent or family friend who is the same sex as the
parent who does not live at home.
Preschoolers
What do they understand?
- Preschoolers still don't understand what separation or divorce
means, but they know their parents are angry and upset, and they
live apart.
How do they react?
- Preschoolers feel a sense of loss and sorrow.
- They are likely to have fantasies, both pleasant - "Daddy
will come back" - and frightening - "Monsters chased
me."
- Preschoolers wonder what will happen to them and fear being
abandoned by their noncustodial parent.
- They often blame themselves for the separation or divorce.
They think if they had behaved better, their parents would have
stayed together.
- Preschoolers may feel responsible. When being punished, perhaps
the child wished one parent would go away and now that parent
is gone. The child may believe that the wish is what made the
parent leave.
- Preschoolers often become very angry, which they show by
attacking the parent they blame or by turning their anger inward
and becoming depressed or withdrawn.
What can parents do?
- Parents can encourage their child to share questions and
concerns about the separation or divorce.
- They can encourage their child to express feelings, including
anger, through talking, physical activity, or art work.
- Parents can set aside time daily to reassure their child
that both parents understand and love him or her.
- They can tell their child, repeatedly if needed, that he
or she isn't responsible for the divorce.
Elementary school children
What do they understand?
- Elementary school children begin to understand what divorce
means.
- They believe that their parents don't love each other and
know they won't be living together any longer.
How do they react?
- Elementary school children feel deceived.
- They feel an acute sense of loss for the parent who moved
away.
- Elementary school children usually hope their parents will
reunite.
- They sometimes feel rejected by the absent parent.
- Elementary school children may become very depressed, showing
changes in eating and sleeping habits, lack of interest in life,
poor concentration, crying, irritability and withdrawal, and
a sense of hopelessness.
- They may fear abandonment, but also may worry about their
parents' future well-being as well as their own.
- Elementary school children may fear not being picked up on
time after school by the noncustodial parent.
- They may have trouble sleeping and may show symptoms of physical
illness.
- Elementary school children may become extremely angry with
both parents about the divorce.
- They may direct their anger outward, as shown in misbehavior,
or inward, as shown in feelings of shame and self-blame.
What can parents do?
- Parents can encourage their child to talk about the divorce
with them, relatives, or family friends.
- They can be sensitive to signs of depression, fear, and troubled
behavior. They should be willing to enlist professional help
if needed.
- Parents can help their child feel that life will be OK and
his or her world is secure.
- They should talk to other adults, not their child, about
adult problems such as money issues, unresolved feelings, work
stress, etc.
- Parents should make their child's teacher aware of the situation.
That person can provide support and watch for signs that the
child needs additional help.
Preteens and adolescents
What do they understand?
- Preteens and adolescents understand, but usually do not accept,
separation or divorce.
How do they react?
- Preteens and adolescents often become very angry.
- They may feel disillusioned, betrayed, or rejected by one
or both of their parents. They may lose trust in relationships
in general.
- Preteens and adolescents may lose self-esteem and may worry
about being loved.
- They tend to be highly moralistic and critical, and may judge
their parents' decision to divorce harshly.
- Preteens and adolescents may be extremely embarrassed or
disturbed by any change in their parents' sexual behavior. They
may become more intense in the risk taking and rebellion that
is normal at this age - shoplifting, using drugs, becoming sexually
active, skipping school, etc.
- Preteens and adolescents may become depressed or withdrawn,
or may threaten suicide.
- They may behave much better, not worse, feeling that if their
behavior improves they can save their parents' marriage.
- Preteens and adolescents may find their sense of independence
disrupted. They may be afraid to separate from their parents
or feel a strong need to align with one parent.
What can parents do?
- Parents can give their children time to discuss their feelings.
They can suggest positive ways to handle feelings. If children
have difficulty talking with their parents, encourage them to
confide in another trusted adult such as a relative, family friend,
teacher, or guidance counselor.
- They can follow established routines as much as possible.
- Parents can continue to monitor their children's activities:
where they are, what they're doing, who they're with.
- They can emphasize that although the family may be changing,
children must continue to show respect for both parents, must
follow house rules, must do their best in school, etc.
- Parents can resist the urge to use their children as replacements
for their missing spouse. Parents must develop adult sources
of support and an adult social life. They shouldn't depend on
their children to fill empty places left by a separation or divorce.
DOCUMENT
USE/COPYRIGHT
National Network for Child Care - NNCC. Part of CYFERNET, the
National Extension Service Children Youth and Family Educational
Research Network. Permission is granted to reproduce these materials
in whole or in part for educational purposes only(not for profit
beyond the cost of reproduction) provided that the author and
Network receive acknowledgment and this notice is included:
Reprinted with permission from National Network for Child Care
-NNCC.
Oesterreich, L. (1996). Divorce matters series, A child's view.
[Pm 1641]. Ames, IA: Iowa State University Extension.
Any additions or changes to these materials must be preapproved
by the author.
AVAILABLE FROM::
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COPYRIGHT PERMISSION ACCESS
Lesia Oesterreich
1322 Elm Hall, Suite 1085
Iowa State University
Ames, IA 50011
PHONE:: (515) 294-0363
FAX:: (515) 294-5507
E-MAIL:: x1oester@exnet.iastate.edu
FORMAT AVAILABLE:: Print - 4 pages
DOCUMENT REVIEW::
Level 2 - Iowa State University Extension
DOCUMENT SIZE:: 26K
ENTRY DATE:: June 1998
NOTE:: Originally developed as Parenting Apart: Strategies
for Effective Co-Parenting by M. Mulroy, R. Sabatelli, C. Malley,
and R. Waldron (1995), University of Connecticut Cooperative Extension.