Divorce Matters -Visitation Dos and Don'ts
Lesia Oesterreich, M.S.
Family Life Extension Specialist
Human Development and Family Studies
Iowa State University
Copyright Access Information
For both parents and children, visitation is critical to maintaining
a sense of connectedness both during and after a divorce. But
in the early stages of family restructuring and co-parenting,
it is frequently a source of conflict.
If former spouses want revenge, finding ways to spoil a visitation
is easy. If they want to help their children through a difficult
transition, they will find ways to make visitation successful.
For visitation to work, both parents need to accept and acknowledge
that their children have two homes - one with their father and
one with their mother. Parents need to make sure that their children
are safe and comfortable in both places, even if they don't spend
equal time there. They need to help make the transition from one
home to the other smooth and calm. They also need to make sure
they are being consistent in rules and discipline.
Constructive parenting goals
The following guidelines are examples of parenting goals that
can help children grow into healthy, happy, whole people.
- Both parents should encourage visitation to help their children
grow in positive ways.
- Children need to know it is OK to love both parents.
- In general, parents should treat each other with respect
for their children's benefit.
- Each parent should respect the other's child-raising views
by trying, when possible, to be consistent. For example, if one
parent strongly opposes toy guns for small children, the other
should take this into account when buying gifts
- Each parent is entitled to know where the children are during
visitations. They should also know if the children are left with
other people such as babysitters or friends when the other parent
is not there.
- Parents should try to agree on their children's religious
education, as well as who is responsible for overseeing it.
- Parents should tell each other their current addresses and
home and work phone numbers.
- Both parents should realize that visita-tion schedules may
change as children age and their needs change.
Tips for Smooth Visitations
- Be as flexible as possible with schedules.
- Treat your former spouse with respect.
- Help children feel safe and comfortable in both homes.
- Develop routines to give children a sense of security.
- Maintain open communication lines with your former spouse.
- Don't question your children's loyalty.
- Help make the transition from one home to the other smooth
and calm.
- Discuss rules and discipline with your former spouse so you
are consistent.
Visitation dos
The following suggestions represent stategies parents can
use to achieve parenting goals.
Be flexible about visitation schedules
Give the other parent advance notice of changes in your schedule.
Remember to give the other parent your vacation schedule
in advance.
Remember that your children may have plans that could affect
your visitation schedule.
Make visitation a normal part of life
- Find activities that give you and your children an opportunity
to build your relationship. Allow time together without planned
activities just to "hang out."
- Provide a balance between fun and responsibility for your
children.
- Encourage visitation that includes grandparents and extended
family.
- Make sure your children have their own places in your home
even if it is just part of a room so they feel it is also their
home.
- Help your children meet other kids in your neighborhood so
they have friends at both homes.
- Try to keep a routine schedule to help prepare your children
for visitation.
- Have a checklist of items such as clothing and toys that
your children need to take on visitations. If the children are
old enough, they can help pack.
- If it's appropriate, allow your children to bring friends
along occasionally.
- Spend individual time with each of your children.
Show respect for your former spouse and concern for your children.
- Be on time.
- Inform your former spouse if a new person such as a babysitter
or romantic partner will be part of the visitation.
- Share changes in your address, home and work phone numbers,
and in your job with your former spouse.
Visitation don'ts
Some parents use visitation to achieve destructive goals. These
are goals based on revenge, such as one parent hurting the other
or disrupting his or her life. To achieve those goals, parents
may use destructive behaviors that can create a more hostile environment
and seriously damage relationships. Destructive strategies can
be deeply hurtful to children caught in the middle. Following
are tips for avoiding destructive behavior.
Don't refuse to communicate with your former spouse.
- Don't use your children to relay divorce-related messages
on issues such as child support. Those issues should be discussed
by adults only.
- Don't make your children responsible for making, canceling,
or changing visitation plans. Those are adult responsibilities.
- Don't use your children to spy on your former spouse.
- Don't fight with the other parent during drop-off and pickup
times.
- Deal with important issues when your children cannot overhear.
Don't disrupt your children's relationship with their other
parent.
- Don't make your children feel guilty about spending time
with their other parent.
- Don't use visitation as a reward for good behavior, and don't
withhold it as punishment for poor behavior.
- Don't tell your children you will feel lonely and sad if
they visit their other parent.
- Don't withhold visitation to punish your former spouse for
problems such as missed child support payments. Withholding visitation
punishes your children, who are not guilty.
- Don't withhold visitation because you feel your former spouse
doesn't deserve to see the children. Unless a parent is a genuine
threat, adults and children need to see each other.
- Don't use false abuse accusations to justify withholding
visitation.
- Don't let activities such as sports and hobbies interfere
with the time your children spend with their other parent. Your
former spouse can transport the children to those activities
if needed and can sometimes participate.
- Don't pressure your children about leaving clothes or toys
at their other parent's home. The children need to feel they
belong in both places.
- Don't falsely claim that your children are sick to justify
withholding visitation.
- Don't withhold phone calls to your children from their other
parent.
- Don't put down the other parent's new romantic partner.
Don't allow your anger to affect your relationship with your
children.
- Don't hurt your children by failing to show up for visitation
or by being late.
Don't spoil your children to buy their loyalty and love.
- Don't let your children blackmail you by refusing to visit
unless you buy them something.
- Don't try to bribe your children.
- Don't feel you need to be your children's buddy for visitations
to be successful. Your children need you to be a parent.
- Don't try to fill every minute of a visit. Allow some down
time for routine activities such as cooking or laundry, or quiet
time just to be together.
All of these visitation don'ts undercut children's ability to
develop an open and supportive relationship with both parents.
One of the best ways to support children involved in a separation
or divorce is to do what you can to make visitations go smoothly.
Focusing on visitation dos is a first step in helping children
adjust.
References
Wallerstein, Judith S. and Joan Berlin Kelly. 1980. Surviving
the Breakup: How Children and Parents Cope With Divorce. Basic
Books.
Wallerstein, Judith S. and Sandra Blakeslee. 1990. Second Chances:
Men, Women and Children A Decade After Divorce - Who Wins, Who
Loses - and Why. Ticknor & Fields, N.Y.
DOCUMENT
USE/COPYRIGHT
National Network for Child Care - NNCC. Part of CYFERNET, the
National Extension Service Children Youth and Family Educational
Research Network. Permission is granted to reproduce these materials
in whole or in part for educational purposes only(not for profit
beyond the cost of reproduction) provided that the author and
Network receive acknowledgment and this notice is included:
Reprinted with permission from National Network for Child Care
-NNCC.
Oesterreich, L. (1996). Divorce matters series, Visitation dos
and don'ts. [Pm 1641]. Ames, IA: Iowa State University Extension.
Any additions or changes to these materials must be preapproved
by the author.
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Lesia Oesterreich
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Iowa State University
Ames, IA 50011
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FORMAT AVAILABLE:: Print - 4 pages
DOCUMENT REVIEW::
Level 2 - Iowa State University Extension
DOCUMENT SIZE:: 26K
ENTRY DATE:: June 1998
NOTE:: Originally developed as Parenting Apart: Strategies
for Effective Co-Parenting by M. Mulroy, R. Sabatelli, C. Malley,
and R. Waldron (1995), University of Connecticut Cooperative Extension.