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Coping With Traumatic Events

Parent Guidelines for Talking with School-Age Children about War and Terrorism

Before talking to children about war, parents should take time to think about the issue themselves and consider what it means to their family. Each family is unique, with its own special history and past experiences about loss, trauma and war.

Let children know in language they can understand that the decision to go to war was a difficult and very serious one that took a lot of time to decide. Explain that war is intended to keep them safe, to prevent bad things from happening in the future.

Because what we know about the war changes every day, children may have questions on more than one occasion. Issues may need to be discussed more than one time. New events may need clarification for children. Parents should remain flexible and open to new questions and clarifications.

Starting the Conversation

  • By being open, available and positive, parents can create an environment that supports communication among all members of the family - including conversations about war and terrorism. Finding time to have those conversations isn't hard. One way is to use family times (such as mealtimes) to talk about what is happening in the world. Follow the conversation with a favorite story or a pleasant family activity to help return children to established routines.

  • By listening to children, parents and other adults in a child's life can ease their worries and end any misunderstandings they may have.

Tips for Parents

  • For school -age children, parents should serve as a "protective shield" against the images of war, particularly those on television. Children should not be over-exposed to the sights and sounds of war.

  • Be careful about adult television viewing. Even if parents are in the room, children should be shielded from images of war, however brief they may be. Try not to leave newspapers or magazines with pictures of war in places where children may be upset by seeing them. If children want to talk about things they have seen and heard related to the war or if they express concern about terrorism, parents should make extra time to discuss their thoughts and feelings.

  • School-age children see the world in a generally concrete way. Parents should answer their questions briefly and honestly using words and concepts they can understand. Long answers with a lot of details may confuse children and can lead to increased worries.

  • Reassure children that the war will not be dangerous to their home or to their neighborhood. Parents can explain what things are being done in their community, the state and nationally to promote safety.

  • School-age children may be worried about the effects of war on people they know, such as teachers, coaches, neighbors and relatives. Parents can talk with children about how well people in the military have been trained, know what to do in war time, and work hard to protect one another.

  • School-age children are developing compassion for others. They may be very worried about innocent people, particularly children, being injured or killed. Parents should openly talk with their children about these worries and offer them comfort and support.

  • School-age boys may appear to be fascinated by war and weapons. Parents should not be alarmed by this fascination unless it lasts for a number of weeks without break. By talking with these youngsters, parents may learn that the fascination is hiding concern that can be discussed together.

  • Stick to everyday routines (at mealtimes, bedtime, etc.).

  • Don't change family rules, such as rules about good behavior and respect for others.

  • Help children make sense of what they hear from other children and adults about the war. Ask them what they have heard and answer any questions they may have.

  • School-age children may need a little extra patience and attention during these stressful times. They may need added reminders or extra help with chores or homework. They may appear forgetful or distracted. If so, simply repeat any requests already made; avoid losing your temper, particularly if you believe your child is on edge about the war.

  • School-age children may become anxious when they separate from their parents, such as when going to school, to after-school activities, and even to bed. Children may have a harder time going to bed and be withdrawn or irritable. They also may choose these times of separating to ask questions or voice concerns. Changes in how they behave may be signs that children are concerned and need extra time, conversation, and love.

  • Be aware of what is being said during adult conversations about current events. School-age children may misinterpret what they hear and can frighten themselves unnecessarily about something they do not understand.

  • Avoid loud or strong disagreements between adults when children are present. Arguments about war may be confusing or upsetting for them.

Keeping Children and Families Strong in the Face of War

  • Parents should spend extra time with their children and "stay connected." It doesn't matter whether it's playing games outside, reading together indoors, or just cuddling. A little extra support may go a long way to helping them feel more secure and safe. Be sure to tell children they are loved.

  • Parents and other caregivers should provide support for each other during this time.

  • Parents may want to let their children know how they feel about the war and what is happening in the world. It can help children talk about their own feelings as well.

  • At home, calmly revisit emergency plans and preparation (similar to what is done with fire and weather plans). Talking to children about what to do can help them feel secure that parents have most situations under control.

  • Parents should develop back-up plans with relatives or friends to help with separation and reunion. For example, if a parent is unavailable to pick up a child from school or an activity, be sure the child is aware of a relative or friend that will pick him/her up at that time. Be sure to let the child know when the parent will return home.

  • Parents should be aware of plans that the school has set in place for crisis or emergency situations.

  • Help children help take care of themselves by encouraging them to get appropriate rest, exercise, and diet. Be sure there is a balance of quiet and more physical activities. Be aware of any changes in children's sleep or eating habits that might suggest they are frightened or worried.

  • Parents can help children take constructive steps to reach out or strengthen existing connections to their community. Many families will want to reinforce their family, community, and religious supports during this time. This can help not only the young child but also the entire family.

This document was developed for the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services by the National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN) under grant number U79SM54284.w

Updated 04/03

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